Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Merry New Year Bitches!

The X-mas season has come and gone, and a new year upon is almost upon us. Presents were exchanged, food was et, and all in all, it has been a good year. I'm just about ready for my winter nap [yaaawwwwnnn], well, I guess that's it, see you all in the spring.

What's that? I didn't give you a present for Xmas? Hmmm... I know I had it somewhere... ah yes:

A Christmas Message to My Loyal Minions
by Axl Rose

Twas the night after christmas, and all up in this bitch,
People had heard about Axl's big switch.
No longer a pre-med, but now an M-zero,
Axl was cooler than Robert De Niro.

Ho's now adore him! And men are all jelly
From Cali to London to Spain and New Delhi!
All will converge just to pay their respect,
to give him some candy, and then genuflect.

The world is his oyster, and wouldn't you know,
He's now more attractive, why, dang'rously so:
The men all turn gay when they see Axl dance,
And lesbos turn straight just so they have a chance.

They all bat their lashes and flash him their eyes,
In vain hope of making dear Axl Rose rise.
They forget of course that, since he went MD,
He's far too high-class for such Tom-foolery.

Yessir life is good, things are pretty much set
It's downhill from here, goals are pretty much met.
He'll fly right through med school with Honors and A's,
The profs will adore him (cause now they're all gays).

A couple more years and he'll be an attending.
He'll get a Ferrari without over-spending.
He'll buy himself zebras to ride through the town
and also a gold-plated rad midget clown.

All of these things are the future no doubt,
So Axl will sit back and let it play out.
And so, gentle reader, do I invite you,
To watch it all happen with me, and some poo.

Merry New Year

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Thursday, December 15, 2011


So I've decided that this is the perfect time to refocus my efforts on my guitar playing, and on metal in general. I feel like I can finally enjoy things again, haha! To that end, I have taken specific steps:

1) I am now a guitar teacher! Every friday, I will be teaching guitar at the local music store here in Metalton. I'll charge $25 a half hour or $40 for an hour. It's a lot cheaper (per hour) for an hour-long lesson because I really prefer to have longer lessons. I feel like a half hour isn't really long enough to get in to the juicy part of playing metal right? I feel like you'd be getting a good shred-boner going, and all of a sudden, oops! half-hour's up!

2) I am listening to some sweeet metal. Specifically, Steel Panther's new album, Balls Out. It's awesome. There is so much amazing guitar playing on it, and tons of great singing and songwriting. Truly, these guys are musician's musicians. In fact, it seems that it would be worthwhile to just go through and learn the whole album front to back... hmmm... a challenge! I have thrown down a gauntlet to myself! Challenge accepted, self!

3) I have been practicing a lot! It's actually been really fun to be good again :) I miss having that little bit of pressure, knowing that you will have to play in front of other people. Nothing like a little performance anxiety to motivate you. I played about 4 hours yesterday, and I have to say, I was climbing (slowly) above the plateau that I've been stuck at for a couple of years. Yeah!

That's all for now. Go listen to Balls Out. It will make you happy in your pants.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Axl Rose to the Occasion

Today I got in to medical school!

I know, not as much fanfare as you might have expected from me considering that this blog was dedicated to the struggle of getting in to med school. I got the call today right after work, but I couldn't answer it because I was talking to the music store guy about becoming a guitar teacher there. I checked my voicemail afterwards, and there it was:

"I am calling to congratulate you on being accepted to our med school in Boston! You are a wiener!"

Just like that. But he had a pretty thick accent, so he might have been calling me a "winner"... In any case, yes, it is official. The journey that might have ended in sputtering defeat sometime next May will instead continue on and on and on.

Time to party! Axl out!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

An Astute Observation

So it has been a week since I wrote in this blog, and I (approximately) quote: "2-3 days from now I will know one way or another if I got in to med school or not." Unquote.

I have thusly made the following astute observation: logic dictates that one of two state of affairs must have come to pass (states of affair?). Either:

1) 3-4 days ago I was accepted to medical school. I drank champagne and celebrated with my homies. I partied like a rockstar, drank like an Irishman, and ate watermelon like a boss. All was good in world, and I quit my job to backpack around Europe with my cat Bobbins Magellan Mouse-Destroyer 3000. I came back, and found that I had 12 other med school acceptances, so I played them off against eachother until 5 of them offered me full scholarships. I then settled on a school in Boston that offered me $20k per semester to go there. Bitches loved me.


2) 3-4 days ago I was not accepted to medical school. I drank Wild Turkey whiskey and passed out in the urinal at KFC. Hours later, I woke up in a police station where I was questioned about the whereabouts of my accomplices in the bank robbery I pulled off earlier that day. Upon insisting that they had the wrong guy, they showed me the security footage at the bank, and the bank robber did indeed look an awful lot like me. In the footage, I try to make a getaway on a giraffe that had escaped from the zoo - and I do not get away. It then turned out that, in fact, it was me. I went to prison. I tried to join a prison gang for protection, but was rejected on account of that I failed to get in to medical school, and was therefore uncool.

Logic dictates that ONE of these scenarios MUST have come to pass since I was ABSOLUTELY supposed to find out 3-4 days ago whether I got in to med school or not.

In fact, a third scenario has come to pass, one that I feel quite foolish not to have anticipated: the med school that was going to make a decision and let me know 3-4 days ago did not make a decision, and did not contact me 3-4 days ago. I continue to sit and wait like a chode in the wind...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The End (or Beginning) is Nigh (or Not)

So one of the Boston schools I applied to is supposed to call accepted students in the next 2-3 days. I'm trying to play it cool, but I am not feeling cool at all. I think that this med school is one of my best chances at acceptance, so if it doesn't work out, I will be really on edge for the next 8 months until all the waitlists resolve themselves.

So yeah, by Friday of next week, I will either be cruising down easy street with an acceptance to a great school close to home, or else I will have my back against the wall hoping that one of the other schools throws me a bone.

I feel ill. But you know what? This is stupid. If I don't get in to med school, I will go work for some biotech company, or go get a PhD, and I'll get a band together and write some music, play out, and become a rockstar/biomedical entrepreneur.

Listening to: Crusade by Trivium. A true work of genius by any standards. Especially the title track - incredible. Inspiring. One of those rare pieces of pure musical expression that shocks you in to a state of submissive wonder.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

All the f-ing time in the world

Today is Sunday. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving. I would kill and eat the turkey with my bare hands if I could just hear SOMETHING by thanksgiving. Like, honestly, at this point, a rejection would be better than just waiting and waiting and waiting... It's inhuman is what it is. When I have my own med school, we will meet right after we've interviewed the applicants, decide within 24 hours (because it's not like you are waiting on new information at that point!), and then send notification within 4-5 days of the interview. I mean, really, why does it have to be 6-to-8-to-26 weeks? rrrgls. UVA actually notifies applicants within like a week of their interview. How reasonable - if only some of the schools I interviewed at had as much humanity!

It's just driving me nuts - either my life will be set on a really cool and rewarding course, or else I have to start from square one and figure out wtf I will do with my time on this little rock hurtling through space.

Ugh... yup pretty much going crazy. Creative/enlightening/hilarious blog posts will resume when my mind is not in a constant state of suspended torment.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Wait (More) Like a Boss

My apologies for the long absence. Things have been very much in limbo since I completed my last med school interview. I am, in essence, working and waiting. But I am determined to wait like a boss! So far, I have not heard anything, good or bad, from any of the schools. I suppose that, as they say, no news is good news, but it is frustrating to have to wait for decisions (having waited to GET interviews) (having waited to GET secondaries) (having waited to GET MCAT scores) (etc)...

But I suppose this is as good a chance as any to recap what has gone on up to this point:

1) I f-ed up my college transcript with shitty grades, due to a lack of effort (or at least, a lack of effort in class. I put plenty of effort in to my guitar skills!). That was circa 2007.

2) I went out in to the real world (NYC) and got reamed by life/ my terrible job/ being poor/ trying to be a musician.

3) I rebooted my life. Left NYC and moved to Philly where I got a master's degree in biotechnology (and got reamed by student loans). Applied to med school unsuccessfully (sort of). Met my woman in Philly, and we moved to...

4) The Desert Southwest. Had a great year working in a lab. Retook the MCAT and pwned it. Reapplied to med school.

5) Got 6 interviews. Moved to New England.

Which brings us to today. The interviews occurred between 1 and 8 weeks ago. And now, we wait...

Also, I have been playing a lot of guitar again. Listening to lots of music, including:

Alter Bridge: AB III
Protest the Hero: Scurrilous
Winger: Karma
Mr. Big: What If?

So yeah... I haven't gotten in to med school yet, but I am close.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Interviews done...Hammerzeit

Today I completed my last med school interview - and I am quite relieved. It has been a crazy month, and now I have 6 interviews behind me. Did I nail the interviews? Will I get an offer of admission? Should I have offered my body to the interviewers? (and if not, oops)

I have no effing idea, but now there is nothing more I can do - and that's a good thing. Pressure is off. I might possibly get a couple more interviews later this year, but for now, the die is cast. I sit, and I get really really good at waiting.

Although I am somewhat exhausted from all the travel/working full time/working my other job, I will share one quick story from my interview today.

I was at the school in Boston(ish...), and the interview was in the dreaded Massively Multiplayer Interview format where you have like 10 interviews, each of them 10 minutes long, and each involving some role-playing or ethical dilemma or philosophical question etc.

So one of the interviewers was this guy who was pretending to be a patient telling me his history, and every 2 minutes, he'd pause and ask me to recount as many details from the story as I could. I rocked the first two minutes, and did pretty good in the next couple minutes, and then basically deteriorated from there. By the end I was totally information-overloaded, and couldn't retain anything he told me.

Him: "OK, go ahead and tell me what you remember from that last section of my patient history."

Me: "Ummmm... pretty sure you said something about...words...and there was had some coughing and pain in your...balls? And/or face."

The following comic perfectly expresses how I felt that interview ended perfectly. Enjoyez-vouz. (P.S. @HeavyMetalVixen, don't worry, this is almost entirely a dramatization for entertainment purposes only, and actually I think the interview went very well overall).

Thursday, October 27, 2011

NYC, DUMBO-ass trust-babies, and shots! shots! shots!

Off to NYC today, another one of my old stomping grounds. NYC is my favorite city, hands down. It's got everything. However, unless you are rich, it's a tough city too. I lived out in the slums across the East River from Manhattan (not that all of Brooklyn and Queens are slums, just most of it. F U trustfund babies in DUMBO and Williamsburg...bitter much? Yes.) And even in the slums, the rent was so high that I shared a room with a friend of mine. Not an apartment, or a studio apartment, a room. And let me tell you, you don't know a man until you have lived on top of him... wait... You don't know a man until you've smelled his post-workout... hmm... is there any way to make this sound more gay? Apparently not....

Anyway, when I lived there, I worked in... I don't even know how to describe it. Is "hellish ass-dungeon" too kind a word? I mean, it was literally a windowless room in downtown manhattan. I must have been the only chode working in a skyscraper in Manhattan who didn't see a sliver of sunlight throughout the day... If I had had a cubicle, at least I would have had some privacy / my own space. In said windowless room, I answered the phones for 40 hours a week, and did "market research" at my computer for a further 20 hours a week. That blew, not because of the hours (which DID blow), but because I was doing jack shit with my life. It was so depressing to leave work everyday knowing that you had done literally NOTHING important all day. Not a single thing I did improved or even changed anyone's life in the slightest.

THAT is the point at which I decided to become a doctor. That was almost 4 years ago. Since then, everything I have done has been to get to where I want to be: med school. It has been a crazy journey, and tomorrow, I have my 5th interview, at which point I technically should be well ahead of the odds in terms of ONE of these schools offering me a place in the class of '16. But until I get to that point, it's all up in the air. And I know better than to count eggs. Fuck eggs, count chickens!

Some of the schools that I interviewed at a month ago are starting to send word out, and I haven't heard jack yet... I'm starting to feel a knot in my stomach. If it doesn't work out again this year, well, it'll be another epic journey to wherever my ass lands next. If I DO get in, well, it'll be a fucking party up in Metalton!

P.S. Last night I went out a-drinkin with friends from work. I have to say that, while my work at the Filthy Gunslinger is a little boring, the people that I work with make the job fun, and make me look forward to going in to work every day. Crazy kids... shots! shots! shots! shot-shot-shots!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Until Jesus Enters You

So my interview in Boston was sweet. I LOVED the school (in downtown beantown), and I could totally see myself there. 100%. It was a good feeling. They accept 1 out of 3 interviewees, so the odds are kind of against me, but, you know, its a crapshoot.

The interview itself was very chill and conversational, except for one part, where I was asked to role-play an ethical situation about religion. It was rough, but it turns out the dude was a total atheist, which was cool. Good times.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

She's What!?

Headed to Beantown tomorrow for an interview on Friday. It's going to be... an interview. Haha - at this point, I really just want an acceptance. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. Ugh.

I cook all the time because my girlfriend is in med school. I long for the good old days... [sigh] Back in the kitchen female!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

iiiin West Philadelphia born n' raised

So I am in an airport again, this time headed to West Philadelphia, my old home. I lived in Philly for a couple of years, and I am actually kind of excited to visit. I'll try to get to some of my old stomping grounds, and some of the awesome restaurants. I'll be hanging out with a couple of friends today, and tomorrow I'll be hitting up my 3rd interview.

It has come to my attention that I cannot remember the last time I had a true day off from life, and that I have no idea when the next one will be. I get 2 days a week off from work, and for the last...4 weeks? I have had shit to do. All of October is booked with travel (interviews and visiting family), and so my current hope is that November will bring a day where I can sleep in till 2pm, crawl to the couch in my superman pajamas, and watch TV till I get hungry, at which point I will slither to the kitchen and grab some Doritos with hot sauce... yesss....

Not that I am complaining! Interviews are going well, and I am excited to do these last 3 interviews in October, and I am super excited that I might get in to med school before xmas. Having said that, I need to plan for 2 scenarios:

Scenario 1: I Get Accepted to Med School

Should this scenario come to pass, there will be revelry. Said revelry will begin with me running balls-naked down Main st. in Metalton screaming like a madman and waving my Golden Ticket high in the air. In the unlikely event that my acceptance arrives in a form other than a golden ticket in the mail, I will print a golden ticket on my printer with the word "Accepted" on it). I will then arrive at Metalton Town Hall and burst spontaneously in to a big Broadway rendition of "I Got the World on a String" backed up by a cast of 200 chorus girls and men in tuxedos. In the unlikely event that my spontaneous cast of 200 is completely unprepared and/or non-existent, I will do the number alone. And then find some clothes and get dressed.

Scenario 2: I Do Not Get Accepted to Med School

Should this scenario come to pass, a sobbing, despaired, enraged, lunatical rampage will most likely ensue. Said rampage will begin with me running balls-naked down Main st. in Metalton screaming like a madman and crying like a fat kid whose last slice of cake was just smashed by Gordon Ramsay. I shall then...oh hell, I shall then pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Red Eyes, Long Flies, Empty Guts and Full Butts

I hate those people who are like, "Boo hoo I hate interview season because there is just SO much traveling. I have to go from New York to Boston to LA to Chicago to St. Louis to LA to bla bla bla I have so many interviews every med school is lining up to give me scholarships." And then they post every place they go on facebook. Shut your cake-hole, douche!

So having said that, traveling sucks. I am very very happy to be returning home from my second interview, but I am not very happy to be sitting in the Denver airport at 11pm waiting to catch my red-eye to Newark to connect to a flight to Boston at 6:30am so that I can catch a bus to Metalton, where I won't even have time to go home, and instead will go straight in to a 7 hour shift at the Filthy Gunslinger.
When will I even poop!? When will I eat!? I haven't been in a private area since I checked out of my hotel this morning at 10am, and won't be home till 8pm tomorrow. No changing clothes, no showering, no sleeping, no pooping. (Edit - No, I am not one of those people who can't poop in public, but come on, airports? Do I really need Larry Craig peeping at me through the glory hole while I'm trying to drop a deuce? Come on...)

But the interview at the University in the Desert was great. It was fun being back - I got some good burritos, went to some of my old haunts, and I think the interview went great. As they say, I will only know how great (or not great) it went in a few weeks when I get (or do not get) an acceptance!

Also, I came across this, and just had to share it with you:


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Protest the Gyro

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Today is a good day. Sorry HMV, but it's time for a metal-related post. Today I discovered my new favorite band - Protest the Hero. They are from Canada, like proto-prog rockers Rush, and they are astounding. Perfect. Just perfect. Technical but tasteful. Virtuosic but hooky. Perfect. I will listen to their entire catalogue over the next day or two, and report back.

Today is a good day. Sorry HMV, but it's time for a beer-related post. Today a new friend of mine gave me a home-brewed beer. I was impressed enough that he was able to brew a beer at home period, but this beer is perfect. Dark but springy. Chocolatey but rich and serious. Totally badass.

Well, tomorrow I'm off to Maine to hang out with some college friends of mine - there will be debauchery, which is sorely needed after all this work and applications and Kaplan and stuff. Then on Tuesday, it's back to the desert for my second interview of the season. THEN, its HMV's white coat ceremony! Very sweet.

Adios amigos!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Chugging along

In my ears today: What if... by Mr. Big. It's actually an awesome album, and the first new one that they have put out in the last 15 years or so. All of these guys are just virtuosos, and they work great together - love it.

Ah life - today I have to prepare for my final Kaplan training, haggle with my boss at the Filthy Gunslinger to make sure I get HMV's White Coat Day off, send my little sister's cards out, and take out the trash. It's a good old life. My life is better than the following:

-Having to work at the Filthy Gunslinger indefinitely (quitting in 9 months woo! It's like a quit-baby!)

-Getting sand down my ass-crack in Iraq. Our troops are the awesomest - I could never do what they do.

-Working behind a desk in NYC answering phones (I've done that - I quit a day before I was going to paint the walls with my brains).

-Living alone in the desert of the Southwest (I had a damn good job, but I would have gone crazy there so far from the people I care about).

-Living at home with my parents...[shudder] - I love my family, but that would be not good. Why is it that whenever you go home, you automatically turn 11 years old again?

So yeah, life is good. My next interview is in exactly a week - back to the American Southwest! Then Philly the week after! Yay!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Unimpressed baby is unimpressed.

So the interview in or near or not so near to Detroit Rock City was great. I had a blast - they treated us really well, and the group of kids was really chill. There was a noticeable lack of gunners, which was great, cause that meant there was a good deal of camaraderie and revelry. There was also a noticeable lack of Asians, which concerns me somewhat... but I guess there aren't that many Asians who want to live in Detroit...? I feel like the # of Asians interviewing at a given medical school is directly proportional to the quality of the school... Asians flock to good schools like teenyboppers to a Twilight midnight showing. I don't know. But what I do know is this - may I present for your consuming pleasure:

Axl's New Mathematical Law of Chillness:

[gunners] α -[chillness]

or, in English, "The concentration of gunners in a system is inversely proportional to the concentration of chillness in that system." Copyright.

OK, so this mathematical truth might not be super original or surprising, but I just felt that it was time to codify this in an immutable law of nature. And copyright it so that if anybody suggests this in the future, I can gets some royalties, and then buys me a ferrari and a plum orchard. Yes, those are the two things that I want above all.

Oh, there was this ONE gunner, who was hilarious. He looked like he was about 12, literally, and I was like, "How's the interview season going for everybody, is this everyone's first one?" Everybody's like, "Yeah, this is my first one, really enjoying it" blah blah blah and then Gunner McChode-Face goes "Actually, I've already had a bunch, but whatever [yawn]." Literally, just like that. And he just looked bored to tears the whole day. I was like, dude, have you been to the beach recently, cause you need to get that sand out of your mangina.

The interviews themselves went well - there were 2 half hour ones. The first one was with a member of the adcom. It was very conversational, and I am pretty sure I made a good impression. The second one was with a baldy, wrinkly physician at the local hospital, and it was a little tougher. The guy was not very responsive or interactive at all, so I was left to prattle on about how awesome I was, which is kind of uncomfortable. You know, because I was having so much fun talking about myself that I had difficulty hiding my rager. The physician kind of looked like a giant unimpressed baby for the whole interview, which is not ideal... whatevs, he was probably just jealous of my awesomeness. Or my rager.

Anyways, it was a good day. How good? I'll tell you in 6-8 weeks when they get back to me! I am now in an airport on my way home to Metalton. Will be glad to be home, although it will be a short-lived relief since I have a shift at the Filthy Gunslinger starting at noon tomorrow. That pole aint gonna dance itself. Back to the grind!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Detroit - Rawk Citay!

Little known fact - there are over 3 medical schools in the state of Michigan! Well, at least that was little known to me.

I say this because the anonymity retainment consultants I hired to shield me from prying adcoms advised me not to disclose the names of schools that I am interviewing at, due to the sometimes often almost always crass and sophomoric nature of my blogging. But as it turns out, I can tell you that I am flying to...


since there are in fact more than 3 medical schools in that area, thus you can never deduce exactly where I am interviewing, and my crass rants can continue unabated on this blog.

But for now, I will just say that I am super excited to be going to Detroit - the rock city. I never thought I would ever be in Detroit, but the school I am interviewing at in/near/a long drive from Detroit is really cool.

Tomorrow, we feast on the...broken dreams of... adcom members who voted against me 2 cycles ago!!!


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Sexy #6

Yay-uh! Interview invite from my state school in the desert! Going back - should be fun!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Lucky #5

Interview invite number 5. Feeling pretty badass. Yeah. Spent the whole night quizzing HMV for her massive med school quiz. And working 8.5 hours before that. Speel. I mean sleep...

And that's Mister Badass to YOU!!

Also, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Not really, but come back!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Filthy Gunslinger / Squatting in a Teepee

Today I started my new job. It's at a place called The Filthy Gunslinger in Metalton. What kind of establishment is the Filthy Gunslinger? A male strip-club? A pistol-vendor? Pool hall? All of the above? Suffice it to say, it's a place where you pays for what you gets, and you gets what you pay for...

It's awesome - I get free product, and the people are chill, so I got no complaints. One week till my first med school interview of 2011! I'm gonna wreck it!

Also, I've had In Waves by Trivium on infinite repeat for the last 3 weeks. It's not getting any less awesome, but I am starting to put feelers out for the next big album of my life...

Also, starting from Monday, I will officially be a Kaplan MCAT teacher. Between that job, my job at The Filthy Gunslinger, and my attempts to get in to med school, it's going to get insane around here.

If my life could be described by the punch-line of a shitty joke of my own creation it would be:

Q: What do you call a piece of poo in a teepee and a wigwam?

A: Two in tents.

badum-ting. Athank you very much.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

If my life were a sandwich...

it would be the awesomest sandwich ever made. Complete with whale penis (why is it that whale penis seems to make everything just that little bit awesomer? If only I knew... I'd start a whale penis farm).

My life is awesome because I have been invited to 4 interviews as of today! Woot! So, my HMV says that I have to be careful with my anonymity (she rightly points out that if an adcom knew about this blog and linked it to me, there could be some awkward questions posed about the awesomeness of whale penises and the like).

So, in order to preserve my anonymity but also share the good news with you, gentle reader, here are the 4 schools that I have been invited to, complete with code-names, embellishments, stretches, and downright lies designed to throw those pesky adcoms off the scent.

Note: once the interview season is over, and if I get in somewhere, I may reveal the secret code that I used and tell you all the actual names of these schools.

1) "School-in-a-dirty-city"

I am very excited to interview at schoolinadirtycity. It's a really cool school, and despite the city's dirtiness, I have a soft spot for this city. The school is actually in a really pretty part of this city, so a yes from these guys would be really awesome. Well, a yes from any school would be awesome, but I would actually be excited to go here.

2) "School-not-too-far-away"

I am excited about this school because it is within a 100 mile radius of Metalton, the non-descript New England town that I call home. The schoolnottoofaraway is in a city that I really really like. HMV interviewed at this school, and had mixed feelings, but hey, she's not at metal as me, so you know, what does she know!

3) "School-in-a-land-far-far-away"

I have never been to the city that this school is in, so I am really excited to visit it. They impressed me with their communication-ness... the lady on the phone was nice to me basically. Which is not always the case with med schools.

4) "School-with-a-hilarious-name"

I mostly like this school because it has an awesome name. Which I guess you can't appreciate due to my unbreakable code... hmmm. Well anyways, this school is near the home of a really good friend of mine, so perhaps there will be hanging out and brews involved with this trip.

That is all for now. All of my interviews are scheduled for the next 6 weeks, so I will be sure to document each interview and report on how awesome-sandwich I was at them. First up, school-in-a-land-far-far-away in a week!

Heeeeere we go!

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Universe is a Saucy Bitch (feat. Sassy Moses)

First off, congrats to my Heavy Metal Vixen on completing her first med school quiz/exam thingy. I'm sure she rocked it. How could she not - her NAME is HMV!

So, I am not yet in the land of milk and honey. In fact, I am still in the desert.

The reason I am posting again so soon is because I have just had a truly profound experience that needs to be recorded right away. This is one of those truly strange experiences that one doesn't easily forget. It is one of those times when you feel the universe screaming out to you, trying to tell you something. And as a scientist, I don't normally think of the universe as an entity capable of screaming, but sometimes, coincidences occur that truly baffle the mind.

Today was my last day at my job in the hospital in the city in the desert that has been my home for the past year and the next 24 hours. I was, surprisingly, feeling a bit nostalgic - it is only a job, and it's only a city that I have lived in for a year. I left my job without fanfare, and without saying goodbye to some of the people that perhaps I should have. Some people, people from adjacent labs, from the cafeteria, etc, are bit players in the story of my life, mere walk-on parts. But I will never see them again, and somehow that endows them with...weight, with significance for me. Illogical, but human nuature is illogical.

Anyways, I went to the bus stop at the hospital where I work(ed), and as the bus approached, I noticed 2 people waiting at the bus stop with me. One was a woman close to my age (26-ish). She looked somewhat hispanic, somewhat white, somewhat black, like many people in this city. She was obese, but with good bone structure under there I would guess. The second person was her son. He looked to be about 10, small for his age, but with a very honest face. Now that I looked at them, I recalled crossing the street with them going towards the bus stop, and the mom saying to the son, "You'll have to stay home for 6 weeks, but it'll be great! We'll read books and play games, all the other children will be jealous of you!"

The boy seemed neither distraught nor elated - quite stoic. Putting the pieces together, I realized that this must be Tommy and his mother Delilah. HIPAA rules have discouraged me from bringing them up, but these are two people that I had learned of (but never met) earlier in my Desert year (their names here are pseudonyms). Without going in to too much detail, Tommy and Delilah are very poor. Completely poor. They live in squalor, and Tommy has been abused in the worst ways (not by Delilah), leaving him with severe psychological problems. Their story moved me deeply, but in the last 6 months, their path and mine parted ways, and I hadn't heard anything of them, or really thought of them since.

And all of a sudden, on my last day in this city, here they were on the bus with me. This strange coincidence put me into a state of heightened awareness and thought. I couldn't reach out to them due to HIPAA stuff, and even if I could, what would I do or say? I didn't have anything to offer them, although I wished more than anything at that moment that I was rich and I could just give them enough money to clamber out of poverty, or even to go get a nice lunch!

Anyways, there I was on the bus, thinking, looking, wondering how their life was going. Then all of a sudden, another character from my past gets on the bus. Now, by way of clarification of my last blog post, my "Downright Strange" list was going to start with a man whom I called Crazy Ziggy. Up until today, all I knew about him was that he was strange. He looked weird, spoke like the Rain Man, and rode the bus. I hadn't seen him in months, but he was the only strange thing I could think of as I wrote that post. I mentioned that he seemed like a very nice guy, then I put up a funny picture that reminded me of this strange guy, and called it a day.

Now, an hour after writing that post, here he was on the frikkin bus with me! Absolutely eerie coincidence. And this after the already remarkable coincidence of seeing Tommy and his mom on the bus. I literally laughed to myself as I saw him get on the bus, just because it was so surreal. As we trundled down the avenue, I heard this Rain Man recount to the other passengers how he had survived leukemia, "by the grace of god".

Like a broken record, he repeated this story 7, 8, 9 times. He must be autistic. Either way, I quickly felt guilty. I didn't say anything terrible about the guy, but I still felt a little guilty at reducing him to a bulletpoint in a snarky blog post. (Does this mean an end to snarky blog posts? Hell no! What would I do with all my free time?!)

THEN, I looked over to my right, and noticed yet another bus passenger that I had seen before - a young man covered in gang tattoos, supremacy tattoos, 2 tears tattooed on his face, and four aces on his neck. A few weeks back, I had seen him on the bus, and wondered what the tears signified. Had he killed 2 men? Lost 2 loved ones?

All in all, I got this feeling that my life, my story, was flashing before my eyes, except in the form of these real people on a bus. The Meek (Tommy and Delilah), the Weird (Crazy Ziggy), and Death (Aces). What was the universe trying to tell me?

Probably nothing. But maybe something. It's just too strange, so I feel I owe it to the universe to answer back, just incase it IS knocking on my wooden head, as it appears to be. Here is what I think the Universe is trying to tell me:

1) "Axl, don't forget about the people who need help. Even if you are a dirt poor Ramen-eater, there are people who are worse off than you. Do something once in a while. But overall, keep them in your mind."

2) "Axl, everybody has a story to tell. Take the time to know people rather than assume they are crazy old coots. Don't be a dick dude."

3) "Axl, the time you have is precious. Don't waste it."

So yeah. That's wassup. Mind: blown.

Au Revoir, Mon Ami

Yes, this is it. Parting is such sweet sorrow. The end of days in the Great American Southwest is upon us. The time has come to say auf wiederzein to all that I have known for the past year. Hasta la vista, bebe. And other cliches.

I am moving on to a new chapter in my life, hopefully full of good news on the med school front. And as we part, let's take a moment to remember the good, the bad, and the downright strange from my days in the desert:

The Good

- Saving Sir Bobbins Magellan Chookums Mouse-Destroyer 3000 from the clutches of defeat at the hands of the pound. He is going to be our little souvenir from the desert.

- Having a sweet-ass hot tub right at my apartment. I think I'm going to miss you most of all, hot tub.

- Sand people. Contrary to depictions in popular media, desert people are genuinely nice, more so here than average. New Englanders are...well, they're like fried ice cream (hot on the outside, cold on the inside...?). No wait, that's not right. They're like frozen... hot chocolate. A little cold on the outside, but warm and gooey on the inside. Desert people are just swell through and through.

- Spring in the desert. Spring here is awesome. My relatives back east were complaining about "mud season", which is spring in New England. Meanwhile, I was hiking in the mountains, enjoying perfect 70 degree weather. Nice.

- Eastern Blocker Soccer. Every saturday, I've been playing soccer with a bunch of Russians and Lithuanians that I met over here. It's been a blast. And let me tell you, you do not know the meaning of exhausted until you've played a game that ended at a score of 18-19, in 100 degree heat, without breaks, for 2 hours, at an altitude of 1 mile. I could probably run a marathon at sea level no problem now, even though I don't run marathons.

- Mexican food. Naturally, it's pretty awesome here.

The Bad

- Summer in the desert. Over 100 degrees all summer? No, but thanks.

- Being dirt broke 90% of the time. That may be more my fault than the desert's, but I'm going to go ahead and blame it on the desert anyway. Jobs are scarce out here, so if they say they are going to pay you $30 and a sandwich per week, you say Thank you sir, may I have another?

And then they say no.

- Crime. Desert people are poor for the most part. This means that there is a lot of petty theft and other crimes. Which sucks. Fortunately, I haven't been a victim of crime here, but I do mean fortunately. Had I stayed much longer, I fear I would be pushing my chances.

- Middle Eastern food. It's my fave. Along with Japanese. But there is not a lot of cultural diversity here, so there really isn't much in the way of good hummus. And I say boo to that.

The Downright Strange

- [content removed for a crazy reason, see next blog post]

And so, a farewell to arms! It's time to make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here! My next post will be from the land of milk and honey - New England!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Friday Night Insight - You're Welcome

I have decided that on Fridays, I shall impart some wisdom to my gentle readers via the Socratic Method. Thus:

Quiz time:

Japan is better than America because:

a) They have a mainstream metal band called Sex Machineguns

b) The Sex Machineguns music video has hot Ringu-zombie girls in it

c) The only white guy in Sex Machineguns (I think he's white) has corn rows... corn rows. While the rest of the band has baddddassss long hair

d) They have sushi

e) All of the above

If you answered e, congratulations, you have learned much from my Friday Night Insight.

EDIT: Upon closer viewing, it is probable that the guy with the cornrows is actually Japanese like the rest of them, thereby destroying my point c above. However, you KNOW that if there had been a white guy in the band, he'd probably have cornrows or a bald spot, or he would be massively fat, or he'd have a cameltoe or something. Not hatin' on America, just sayin...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Love Letter

Baby, I miss you so much. Daddy's coming home soon. Don't let anyone else touch you till I get there. When I move to my new home in 6 days, I know you'll be there waiting for me, saving yourself for me. And when I get there, I promise to play with you so much. We'll have lot's of quality time together while Daddy looks for a job. I will caress your curves, stroke your neck, and send tingles down your back. We'll make sweet music together. I'll make you scream sweet ecstasy to the skies. Till then, just stay in your box.

Love - Axl

p.s. This the picture of you that I keep in my fat wallet:

So Many G's, So Many Ho's

As many of you may know, I am a talented musician. One of my many talents is songwriting - I can pop them out in like 2 seconds. In fact, here is one that I just wrote right this second:

I got so many Benjamins
And you aint got none!
I bought a coffee for myself
And you cain't have some!

Fo dinner I'ma reheat
Some Hobolognese
Fo brekfast I'ma eat
Cold pizza from yesterdayz!

Ohhhh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so many G's
Ohh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!

Last night in the club
The ladies thought I was fine
I stepped on the dancefloor
And made it rain dimes!

So much money ho
You ain't neva seen
I show you so many Washingtons
You'll only see green

And I ain't talkin bout
No quarters, puh-laise!
I'm talkin bout them ones bitch
I'm rich like Hollandaise

So Haters Gonna Hate
I got so many G's
Oh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!

Yesterday I went to Subway
And bought me a samwich
I got 40 cents change
And tossed in the can bitch!

When you got so much cash
It's weighing you down
Just grab a fistful of it,
And spend it on the town!

Like go to starbucks
get a grande not a tall!
Or go to the market
And buy 2-ply y'all!

Cause Haters Gonna Hate
I got so may G's
Yeah Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!

Gangsta yo! Tupac!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Women: You are all banned from Netflix for ever

Here's what a proper Netflix cue should look like, (i.e. when I'm in charge):

Terminator 4 - Arnold blowing shit up

Independence Day - Will Smith punching aliens on the nose

Star Trek - Captain Kirk blowing shit up + punching aliens

Mad Max - Postapocalyptic car world with Mad Max punching stuff

Ozzfest Live - Rockumentary of a metal festival; sex drugs and rock n roll

Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny - Jack Black on shrooms and rocking out.

Shawn of the Dead - Zombies getting sliced up

Resident Evil: Afterlife - Hot babe kills zombies

And here is what happens to an awesome netflix cue after a female gets a hold of it (yes, I'm talking about you HMV):

Temple Grandin - The story of an autistic lady who loves a horse or some shit

Black Beauty - The story of a horse and the girl who loved him

Babies - A movie about 4 babies who crawl around a lot and shit themselves

Teen Mom - A bunch of hoary girls hang out and complain about their lives

Princess Kaiulani - A hawaiian princess finds herself in England

Army Wives - A bunch of army wives betray eachother over and over again and then bitch about it

Letters to Juliet - Some chick writes a letter and becomes Juliet in Italy

Hotel Rwanda - A bunch of depressing shit

Magic Sexy Beauty Horse - The story of a retarded girl saved by a horse

Sacred Brown - The story of a little girl and the cow she loved to milk

Now honestly, I don't care who you are - which netflix queue do YOU go for? Right?

Waiting: like a chump or like a boss!

Waiting for secondaries or interview invites or interview days or final decisions is a marathon. A waiting marathon. It's basically the Olympics of waiting.

Sometimes, we forget that. Today is one of those days for me. Up until I got my first interview invite a few days ago, I was totally relaxed - I basically forgot that I was waiting for anything (which is the pro way to wait!). But then I got that invite, and then another one, and now, I'm jonesing for more! I was all up on SDN today just trying to figure out what schools were sending out invites, what schools weren't, what were the trends from last year etc. It's easy to lose your cool like that because there is so much riding on getting these interviews.

But then I was like, wait, I'm a pro waiter! I'm the Leonardo Davinci of waiting. Last time I applied to med schools, I waited 11 months just to find out that I didn't get in anywhere! This one time, I waited for like 12 years...for my 12th birthday to come, beotch! I aint no chump, I'm going to not even know that I'm waiting for anything! I'm gonna wait like a boss!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Spaghetti HoBolognese

There comes a time in a man's life when he just gets tired of eating shit - basically once you've tried every flavor of ramen and started combining them to make it interesting, you're there. That time came about 2 years ago for me, and I started to learn how to cook. I'm pretty bomb now, I can make loads of stuff.

However, as you may have gathered, I am now living in an apartment with basically nothing in it - I'm pretty much a squatter. But today I had enough, and decided that I was going to cook. And so, gentle reader, I present to you:

"Axl Roses No-bull All-beef Cow-meat Top-secret All-you-can-eat Photo-journalism Recipe for Spaghetti HoBolognese!"

Step 1: Walk a mile to the grocery store. You will probably get mugged. Perform sexual acts to get enough money for groceries. Get your groceries, and hightail it back to your squat.

Step 2: Find the least gross counter space.



Getting warmer...

Thar she blows! Now wipe that baby down with toilet paper, beacause you don't have any paper towels in the house.

Step 3: Lay out your ingredients. I recommend Newman's Marinara, and whatever ground beef is on manager's special - that way you know that that beef is good and aged. It can really soak up the flavor of the supermarket - it's had plenty of time to mature.

Hehe - just kidding. Oranges! For Pete's sake!


Step 4: Use a dull butter knife to peel your carrot. Remember, always peel away from yourself - you wouldn't want to...well, you wouldn't want to bump yourself with the knife.

Then use excalibur there to chop that bitch up.

Step 5: You're going to want to start peeling and chopping your onion...

But don't! Instead, grab your meat...


and throw it straight in your hobo pot. You'll want about a pound of beef (that's what she said), and just put it in with a little bit of olive oil on high heat to brown the meat. Should take about 3 mins.

Step...whatever: Use your lightsaber to chop up the onion.

One whole onion should do the trick.

and throw that shit right in the pot with the meat. Cook all that together for another 5 minutes till the onions are translucent or even a little brown.

Step Whatever +1: Chop up your celery, and toss in the carrots, celery, and a whole jar of tomato sauce right in to the pot. Reduce heat to medium or medium low, and let it sit for maybe 40 minutes, turning it over periodically.

Aaaaaaawwwwwww yeah grrl! Give it up! At this point, your hobolognese is starting to approach its panty-dropping perfection. Half-way thru, chop up a bunch of fresh basil and toss that in.

40 minutes later, take it out of the pot and put it in to whatever containers you have. I have a bowl! And a plate!

Step Alpha: Clean your pot out and cook your pasta.

Why are we using the same pot? To get that hobolognese flavour in to our pasta? To keep the pot hot and boil the water faster? No- we reuse the pot because we are a hobo, and have only one pot. Idiot.

While your pasta is cooking, let your hobolognese sauce cool off a little. It actually tastes better after it's had some time to sit. That chill time allows it to get juicy.

Step Omega: Strain your pasta... oh wait. We are a hobo and don't have a strainer. Well, just put the lid on the pot and tip it upside-down in the sink and hope that the scalding water and steam doesn't cause you to drop the pasta in to the disposal thingy, and then you put your hand down there to fish out the pasta and then a power surge turns the disposal on and... well then you got your bolognese the fast way.

Et voila!

Bueno Appetito!