Monday, April 4, 2011

The Post about my Sordid Past

I feel that this is a good time to take down that dusty tome and reveal the sordid past (since junior year of college) that got me to this point in my life. However, since I don't want to bore you with a detailed autobiography, I shall freely elaborate this 3rd-person narrative with exaggerations, fabrications, inventions, manufactations, and straight up lies. For the benefit of those few who might actually care for the truth, I will label all manufactations with asterisks. You're welcome.

At the end of junior year at Heavy Metal University*, Axl decided that he was going to become a pre-med. He decided this because, although his primary goal was to become a rockstar (no asterisk), medicine seemed like a decent back-up career. He went to the HMU premed advisor and told her his story. When she saw how low his GPA was, she was so shocked that her eyes popped all the way out of her skull and her testicles dropped even lower than his GPA*. It was a 3.1, with a 3.0 sGPA.

Axl's senior year really sucked, because he suddenly had to take Orgo II, Calc II, and Gen Chem II (he had been a bio major, so these classes had not been in his agenda). He also tried to take Physics II, but it was ridiculous, so he dropped.

Axl graduated HMU in the spring of 2007 with flying colors and high honors**. He was such an academic superstar that the college president could barely hide his rager at the honor of shaking Axl's hand as he collected his diploma*****.

At the end of the summer, he moved to NYC to fulfill his dream of becoming a metal god. He was a very good metal guitar player, and a good singer too, so he figured it would only be a few months before he collected together the baddest-ass group of troublemakers to take over the world with our metallic righteousness.

8 months later, Axl was broke, depressed, and the record deal he had signed with Fat Cat Records had fallen through*. He moved back to Bumpkintown where his parents lived, and plotted his next move. He came to realize that he was too smart to waste the rest of his life servicing that fickle maiden Music for the remote chance at getting in her pants. He took the MCAT in 2008, got a 32, and applied to a Master's of Biotech program at Elite High-Tea Time Fancy U* in Philadelphia, and got in. At the end of 2009, he applied to med school just as he was finishing his masters. He received 3 interviews and 3 waitlists.

Then one day in February 2010, he got the call! He had been accepted "provisionally" to Military Med SOM. The "provisionally" meant he had to pass a security clearance test and a medical fitness test. He passed the security test. He did not pass the fitness test due to an ancient heart defect that had been fixed when he was a child.

Bummed, Axl plotted his next move.

In the summer of 2010, he moved to a brave new state, one where the sun always shined, people always smiled*, alcohol came trickling down in streams from the Big Rock-Candy Mountain* out back, and the state med school had very reasonable tuition rates... He brought along a heavy-metal vixen whom he had met in Physics II which he had taken at Elite High Tea-Time Fancy U (the class, not the vixen).

He got a job at the local university, and prepared to re-assault Mt. Med School one...last...time...

Which brings us to today. My heavy-metal vixen has received acceptances at 4 med schools as of today, and we have added to our family with a cat named Bobbins Magellan Chookums Mouse-Destroyer 3000 (guess which part of the name I came up with). And the MCAT is in...4 days! If all goes according to plan, this is the year that I force the mountain to its knees. Follow me as I wheel and deal, plead and appeal, wine and dine, relax and unwind, sharpen my shuriken and darken my burkens all the way to med school bitches! Yeahh!

Note: Despite what this jocular post states, medicine is NOT a good back-up career lol! Medicine is a career for those who have thought very carefully about whether there is anything else in the world that they might be good at/enjoy doing, and have come up with the answer "no". Then they volunteered a ton of hours, talked to a ton of docs and med students, and decided that they hate money and freedom so much that this is the career for them.


  1. Wow! Very cool entry. You've had quite a journey so far. :) Best of luck with your MCAT in a few days! I'm sure you'll rock it.

  2. I can attest to every word of this. All true. Rootin' for you bro, you're gonna kill it :]

  3. Thanks for sharing! I love reading your entries! And good luck on the MCAT!! You will do great!

  4. Thanks guys- I'm real excited to get this bastard done with! Thanks for reading :)

  5. That's quite possibly the coolest cat name I've ever heard (no asterix).

  6. I'm a couple months late to the party but hope the MCAT went well! Taking it again shows you are indeed committed to the long and winding journey that is sure to follow.

  7. There's always room at the Axl party :) Welcome aboard!