Monday, May 30, 2011

Back in Effin' Black

I just spent 12 hours on 4 planes flying over about 30 states. Here's what I looked like this morning:

Here's what I look like now:

I'm going to take some time to collect myself - just in time for work tomorrow...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Axl Hits the Road

Yes, I am a-travellin'. I have spent much of my life wandering, living here and there, wherever the wind may blow. But today, I have a purpose. I am in Boston to be in my college friend's wedding party! Ain't no party like a wedding party!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Axl Rose, Pre-Med God presents...

How to Choose a Med School

A couple of days ago, my female got accepted in to the med school of her dreams. The problem is that she has already accepted a spot at another great med school with a fat scholarship. She is at her wits end trying to figure out what to do. I figured that some among my minions might have similar problems (or hope to have similar problems). Well, it's your lucky day sucker! Presenting:

"Axl Rose's Patented Idiot-proof Step-by-step 5-Minutes-a-day Almost-fat-free Ribbed-for-her-pleasure Guide to Choosing a Med School"

(expand, unless you are a falcon)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

New Rule

New Rule- You have to stop doing this:

(through texting)

Heavy Metal Vixen: "OMG, huge news! It's so big!"

Me: "Cool whats up?"

HMV: "I can't tell you right now, I'll tell you later."

Me: "Boo. Fine"

(2 minutes later)

HMV: "OMG I dont even know what to do with this info! It's so huge!"

Me: "Well tell me already jeez!"

HMV: "No, I can't! Later"

Me: "Fine"

(2 minutes later)

HMV: "If I don't tell someone my face is going to explode and brains are going to squoosh out of my ears and I'ma shit my chones!! Holy blue chipmunks are going to come tearing out of my cornhole unless I tell someone! Ahhhhhhhh!! Ahhhhhh!! OMG ZOMG! The world is going to end if I don't tell somebody right this instant! Its the (best/worst dont know which) news of my life!" etc.

Me: (kill myself)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Deep Thought of the Day (or Year...)

Today is a Holden Caulfield kind of day. I had a Holden Caulfield moment - I needed to withdraw from life for a few minutes, just step back, and breath, and watch. I went down to the hospital cafeteria and grabbed a coffee, went outside, and just sat and observed. People were coming and going, talking on phones, walking with friends. This road that I have chosen will be full of important moments that demand my attention, opportunities to save lives etc. But most of our life is composed of unimportant moments that pass without much notice. Walking and talking, standing in line for coffee, running gels. That's most of our life. Strange. And it can be interesting to stop and watch those moments - take notice of the moments that aren't normally noticed...

Anyways, I'm going to share a story from my childhood that for some reason comes to mind. My brother and I used to play this computer game called The Neverhood. It was a walk-around-and-solve-puzzles kind of game. In this game, there was this puzzle where a wall was peppered with 5 or 6 rows of mouse holes. Each mouse hole led to another mouse hole, and basically you had to find your way to the exit on the bottom row by figuring out where each mouse hole led. I started drawing up a map. I painstakingly tried each mouse hole on a level, drawing links, and thinking carefully, trying to figure out the trick or pattern, if there was one. My father walked in and saw me contemplating the screen.

"What are you doing Axl?"

"Just thinking."

Then my brother Slash said "Don't think anymore, just do!"

This was one of those moments that passed completely without notice in my mind, and I have no actual memory of the event, but my father noticed that moment because it highlighted a difference between the way my brother and I see the world. I am a thinker, and that has never changed. I realized that recently I haven't taken enough time to think. These days, my empty moments are filled with worries or smartphones or personal statements or whatever else.

To live without thinking blows monkey balls...

And THAT is my deep thought of the day.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How to Win the MCAT: Boring Version

OK, so I have been very tongue in cheek about, well, everything so far. But I figure some people out there might actually benefit from a more sober discussion of the MCAT. I oblige. So here are my actual scores:
May 2008: Phys: 9
Verb: 12
Bio: 11
Total: 32O
Apr 2011: Phys: 13
Verb: 11
Bio: 12
Total: 36P

So basically, my verbal and bio didn't change much, but I gained 4 points in Physics which gave me a 4 point boost in my total score. I'm stoked. Here's what I did differently the second time round:

1) Took a Kaplan course

This definitely helped somewhat, but mainly because of my different approach overall. The biggest thing I did differently was to take practice tests. The first time round, all I did was study from a book, and then went drinking the night before the MCAT. It was dumb. This time around, I started taking full-length tests 4-5 weeks before the real thing. That made the biggest difference, mainly in that my timing was way better. The first time around, I didn't even finish the physics section, and barely finished the other two. This time I finished each section with 10-20 minutes left, and then I went through it all again and caught some easy mistakes.

2) Trained like a frikkin athlete

I started waking up at 5am a week before the MCAT and doing problems early in the AM. By the time the real thing came along, it pretty much felt like business as usual. As I mentioned above, the first time round, I literally was hanging out with friends and drinking the night before the MCAT. I had no idea where the test center was, so I spent the half hour before the exam in a panic trying to find the place.

3) Don't do math if you don't have to

And most of the time, you don't have to do much. Classic mistake: trying to memorize every equation and apply it in the test by plugging and chugging. Plugging and chugging on test day is a sure way to get bogged down and lose time. I memorized the big important equations, but on test day, I think I did maybe a total of 3 minutes of actual math. Instead, try to understand the relationships of the variables. If P increases, does T increase or decrease? Directly or by the square-root? If you know that shit, then you are pretty much set. 2 of the answers will be clearly wrong, and out of the last 2 answers, one will say T goes down by the square of P, and other will say it goes down directly with P. Boom, you have your answer. Don't do math.

4) Answer every question!

There's no penalty for guessing! If you leave a question blank, you are throwing away 1/4 of a point guaranteed. If you have 2 minutes left and 20 questions unanswered, take 30 seconds and just put C for all of them. Then go back and start figuring them out.

5) Don't freak out.

If you are freaking out and sweating and whatnot, you won't do well. This is a thinking test as much/more than a content test, and if you are too busy shitting your pants, you won't think straight. Do lots of practice tests under realistic conditions (I went and did them on Saturday mornings at my empty lab), and then you'll be more accustomed/less nervous on the day.

OK - that's it. This is my most informative/most boring post ever, and I felt dirty writing it. I felt like a dirty dirty ho. So just take it and leave ok!? I hope you're happy!

Monday, May 16, 2011

How to Win the MCAT

So I am not supposed to be writing blog posts because AAMCAS and AACOMAS are happening now, which means that I need to come up with a "real" personal statement, fill out the applications, and get all my transcripts and letters sent in. Also, my scientific paper has somehow failed to write itself, so I am stuck cleaning up that mess too!

We are cooking dinner now - chicken marsala - and by we, I mean my heavy-metal vixen. While the chicken absorbs those crazy awesome juices, I thought I'd share my crazy awesome juices with you, gentle reader: my thoughts on how to get a sweet MCAT score.

"Axl Rose's Fail-Proof Non-Bleached Almost-Fat-Free Seven Percent Solution to Owning the MCAT"

Rule #1: Have sex with the proctor, immediately.

I cannot overemphasize how important this rule is. If you're not having sex with your proctor before the MCAT, you might as well walk in to the exam room and start eating the mouse while sitting on the keyboard, entering a string of random letters for answers.

Rule #2: Study only in loud and distracting environments.

OK, so this is an actual Kaplan MCAT tip, which I think is hilarious. Well, they say to take practice tests in distracting environments so that on the actual day you can handle it. Unfortunately, the actual MCAT is held in a room where a quiet fart would startle everybody in there. It's dead silent, so studying in a loud place or taking practice tests at a startbucks is just dumb. Which is why it's my second tip!

Rule #3: Sit next to the white guy.

This rule may seem racist. However, you don't know which race I am (hint: the best one), therefore this may or may not be a racist rule. But there is a logic to my madness. You see, gentle reader, since the beginning of time, doctors have been stodgy old white dudes with sweet moustaches and hot trophy-wives. Today, med schools realize that if they fill their med schools with only white dudes, then a) that's a total sausage-fest, and b) the dance parties would look like a bunch of drunken zombie-Ents marching off to battle Sauron. Therefore, if that white guy is getting in to med school, he's probably going to get a 46 on the MCAT. Sit next to him, and surreptitiously cheat off him. It's what all the cool kids are doing.

Rule #4: When guessing, choose C: it's always C.

Except when it isn't. But it usually is, and there is good scientific reasoning behind that. You see, if you don't know the answer, then it's a hard question. Who answers hard questions? The nerds at the front of the class of course! So you should choose A right? Wrong! Too obvious, dummy! That's what they want you to guess. A is the sucker man's C. B is tempting because it's sort of in the middle between the extremes - a good place to hide a correct answer. But no, that's what they want you to think. D can be tempting for those who've just given up hope. What the hell, right? D, it's snuck in there at the end, all unsuspecting and shit. But D is the slacker man's C. Be a winner, choose C.

That's it! Follow those simple rules, and you will be awesome and metal like me. Good hunting.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Too much $hit

Yup, that's me. I'm the ass trying to carry too much stuff. Also, the title of this post reflects the state of affairs in my house last week. Specifically in my bathroom last week. While I was at home, ill. Yeah, now you got it.

Oh yeah, so it was my Berfday this past week! I had an awesome one, mostly because of a) sweet gifts, b) a sweet MCAT score, and c) awesome microbrews.

The application process has begun in earnest, which means that I am starting to get even busier than I already was. Right now, I am trying to get my personal statement together whilst editing a paper that I am trying to submit to a scientific journal for publication. All in all, it's truly going to be a bumpy-ass ride (made just a little smoother by my 36). But whatever, if I get where I'm trying to go this year, well, that'll be the tits.

P.S. You all correctly guessed my MCAT score in the poll, on average! To the doubters who voted that I would get less-than-32, I say nany-nany-boo-boo. To the lovely people who voted that I would get more-than-37, I say thanks for your vote of confidence, and if I had not gone down a point in verbal I would have had it! Not that I'm complaining :) To the person who voted that I would score some blow on my MCAT, grow up dude. This is a high-brow blog for high-brow, serious, serious people. We only discuss serious internets business on here.

Cause that's what you all have come to expect of me...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


It's a nail-biter

Nail Biter would be a pretty great metal band name...

SO the countdown clock has expired, the zero hour has arrived (just about), and, like the bluest of balls, the AAMC is holding back the MCAT scores for another ~5 hours, just to be dicks. Come on AAMC, let those puppies flow all over the internet!

I will of course share my scores forthwith, unless they are bad, in which case I will probably make up a great score and report that for your consuming pleasure.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Axl was ill... did a lot of thinking

Yes, I was sick in bed for the last week. My life has been on hold as my body took bloody vengeance against me. I have since recovered, and now find that I am suddenly a day away from getting back my MCAT scores, 2 days away from the deadline for my Anatomy final exam, 2 days away from my birthday, and 10 days away from (drumroll please)... SYSTEM OF A DOWN SHOW!!! With Gogol Bordello opening! It's going to be ridiculous.

But how am I paying for tickets, you ask? Well actually those are a gift from my female, woot! But still, how do I pay my rent and all the goddamn application fees for AAMCAS and AACOMAS? Glad you asked, cause it's time for another installment of:

"Axl's Foolproof Yule-Tide Debt-Free Seven-Percent Solution to Paying for Med School"

1) Tech Support Guy-
What? Axl Rose knows computers? Does Pinnochio have wooden balls? Computers are everywhere, they are ubiquitous. To not know computers is to be a blind man trying to Cathernine-Zeta-Jones-it through a room full of lasers. Wait... actually she couldn't see the lasers in that room could she... bad analogy. I guess not knowing computers would be more like a deaf man on America's Best Dance Crew, which, by the way is a quality show... In any case, tech support is a crucial and honorable job, and a great side-gig for paying your way through med school.

2) Shake-Weight Commercial Model-
What can I say about the shake weight that hasn't already been said. It's one of man's highest accomplishments. And by highest, I of course mean that you had to be high to think of this thing and have to be high to think this is a good idea/buy it/use it/watch the commercial. And while everybody is watching the commercial, you might as well get in there! Raise your profile! Who knows what kind of career opportunities await successful shake-weight commercial alumni? Why, you you have a great "in" for male prostitution basically...or politics.

3) Human Sushi Plate-
OK so this might seem a little demeaning. But you know what, you get to eat any sushi still left on you at the end of the night. And you get flowers to cover your nips.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

And by Monday...

I of course meant Tuesday.

The interruption in production of poignant and hilarious metical school (yes, metical) application process updates was brought to you by the letter F. Due to lax security, Axl's anonymity was threatened and indeed breached. This made Axl sad, because the glorious thing about anonymity is that you can say whatever the hell you want without repercussions. Without that anonymity, I can't be as honest or nearly as hilarious as I actually am. In meatspace, I am just a person with regular obligations and with people around me who would be shocked at the semi-fictional life of the character Axl Rose who is the author of this blog. The meat of the stories on here are all true. The claims about sex, drugs, and/or rock and roll are nunayabizness, false, and true, respectively. To the party or parties that caused this breach accidentally, all is forgiven, just don't let it happen again! The situation has been contained.

With that out of the way, my MCAT results come back in a week! The AMCAS application system opens any day now! It's all happening now folks. And, thanks to the anonymity granted by the internet, I will be happy to share with you my MCAT scores, my grades, and updated drafts of my personal statement (see draft 1 and draft 2).

It's going to be a bumpy-ass ride, so strap your ass to something and hold on!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Post Secret

My life is in chaos right now, with no time for posting updates. Tune in monday for a fresh scoop of dish on the life and times of Axl!