Tuesday, March 15, 2011

International Best Fake Metal Bands Awards - Winners Announced!

By me! As voted by me! If you disagree with my rankings, then that's ok - you'll learn more about metal and become awesomer like me if you study hard! Then you'll see that you were wrong to disagree with me. My evaluation system was very objective: each band received points in 10 categories including "Looks most like girls", "Notes-per-second", and "Pelvic-thrusts to splits ratio". Each category carried a maximum of 10 points.

5) Zazz Blammymatazz (84/100) - Most of their points came from having Dr. Rockso for a frontman. Major pros; Unequalled stage show. Also, he does cocaine. Major cons; no recorded material has ever been found that can be verifiably attributed to Zazz Blammymatazz. 10/10 in the "Does Cocaine" category.

4) Post-Slash Guns'n'Roses - (86/100) - OH GNR! You crazy fake band! So over the top! So orchestral and self-referential! Imagine taking 10 years to record an album- roflcopter! Wait what's that?... They're a real band?...no...that cant be right...
3) Steel Panther - (93/100) - Bonus points for being the only currently active and real human fake band in the top 5. They are building a big following. They are featured in the top 5 today mostly based on their rad album "Feel the Steel". Excellent guitaring, excellent singing, very high hair (10/10 in the "Hair volume to surface area ratio" category), and more than 26 colors per outfit per band member (earlier today they received the top award for Fake Metal Band with Most Colors and Who Look Like Girls).
2) Spinal Tap - (94/100) They started it all. And they really play their instruments, so live shows are a go. As far as fake metal goes, these are the godfathers. Noteable tracks: Lick my Love Pump, Bitch School, Shark Sandwich. Just missed the top spot today due to some fake bands who were awarded more points in the "notes-per-second" category.

1) Dethklok - (98/100) - For sheer technical ability, you have to give it to Dethklok. We all die for Dethklok. The biggest issue is that the band is essentially one man in real life, making live performances tricky. But these ranking are not based on real life so...rock on. On the plus side, they have an awesome weekly rockumentary airing on TV chronicling their world domination. Also Skwisgaar Skwigelf is probably the #1 fake metal guitarist!

There you have it folks. The un-arguable, perfectly objective rankings for fake metal bands. Feel free to argue with me in the comments section - I will feel free to correct you. RoCk!

1 comment:

  1. Hahah, Love this bro. This ranking system gives me a solid standard by which to now judge other fake metal bands. Great stuff :D