Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Blog Blob

Courtesy of my rising collaborator Sixxstringer, here is the Stealing Med blog in blob form (click to expand of course). It features the most commonly used words largest. Note the prominent placement of "ear-hole" and "mandals", and the conspicuous absence of the words "medicine" or "gravitas"...

Let me guess: they were closed when you swallowed them?

I was cruising the internets, minding my own business, when I came across this little gem. It's genius really, cause they're safe. They're safety pins...

THIS is why I want to be a doctor. I want to be the first guy to see this x-ray, just because, come one. Now, I have no medical knowledge at all, but I'm guessing this is a baby, cause those ribs look pretty small right? I want to be the guy to put this baby under, slice him open, pull those suckers out of his esophagus, and save his effin' life. That's a pretty bad-ass day's work.

And seriously, how are you going to get bored when kids like this find such innovative ways to hurt themselves? Why, there must be a million hilarious but very grave ways to hurt yourself just by swallowing stuff! As a side note, I would feel more guilty about jesting at this kid's misfortune, but I am assured by my sources at the Mutter Museum that the pins were safely extracted, and he was OK in the end. Thus, it's totally open season on Young Captain Einstein here.

On a side note, yes, this x-ray is from the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia. I have actually been to this museum when I lived in Filthadelphia, and it's pretty bad-ass. It's a museum full of medical oddities - giant skeletons, siamese twins stuff, and (one that sticks out in my mind) this giant colon filled with poo. Seriously, some guy had a medical condition whereby he didn't poo for like months. He died, and they stuck his giant-ass colon full of poo in a museum!

What a shitty way to go!!

(a-thank you)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

PS: Second Draft

Hey all. So my first personal statement really lacked something, some kind of je ne sais quois. Well, I bent this thing over and packed it full of je ne sais quois. I think I've achieved the solemn gravitas I was looking for in my first draft. Enjoy.

Once upon a midnight dreary, sleeping soundly, nothin’ eerie
Slept a peaceful woman, sleeping, dreaming of all kinds of stuff.
As she slumbered in her chamber, suddenly she sensed a danger
Even thought she heard a tapping… but she said “Enough’s enough.
‘Tis my husband making noises, so I shall not call his bluff.
Tis my husband, in the buff…”

The lass, asleep and out of steam, dream’d a most disturbing dream
Fogs and swirls of color flashed, and at the op’ning of the scene
She saw herself and all around, she heard that rap-tap-tapping sound.
Source unkown, for it was dark. The sound was surely very mean.
And as she peered in to the black, she saw a shape, oh! tall and lean
Tall and lean, with teeth agleam.

“Who is there?” the lady called, half enthralled and half appalled,
Then she screwed her eyes against the light, that she might better see.
The blur took shape as it came closer. It said “Ready?” she said “No sir,
Please sir, I am just a lady and I really need to pee.”
Suddenly, a spin, a stab, the thing was gone as gone can be
Nothing left, alone was she.

In the morning she awoke and gave her tum a gentle poke.
“Sore…” as she had feared the case would be at morning’s light.
Nine months later, belly swollen, womb pressed up against her colon,
People wondered if the rumours ‘bout her baby’s dad were right.
Had she really been knocked up by demon in the dead of night?
Soon the truth would come to light.

Suddenly, oh what a wonder! Mother’s chest was split asunder!
Out burst Axl Rose in all his slimy, tough insectoidness !
“Look!” they cried, “an alien! A bad-ass, metal alien!”
Axl stalked the street in search of prey to quell his hungriness.
Meanwhile Axl’s mommy’s husband thought that this was such BS
What a pickle! What a mess!

Anyways, long story short, I’m here and happy to report
That I have quit my people-eating, now I’m in to cardio!
If you’ll let me in your school, I’ll study hard, won’t be a tool,
And when I become an attending I will donate lots of dough.
Please! I want to be a doc! You really do not even know,
Oh please oh please I want it so!

Oh and PS, by the way, my daddy has a Shrink-Death ray
That shrinks you till you’re dead and all your guts explode from being too small.
And somewhere, as our law allows, he’s out there mutilating cows.
He’s fond of doing that of course, but lately he has hit a wall
He’s bored, you see, with cows and now he doesn’t care for them at all.
Cows have simply lost their thrall.

He’s looking for some smarter prey, perhaps you know of some? I say!
Perhaps a dean! or someone else who makes decisions at your school?
Or do you think it would be best if we just lay this thing to rest and
You can let me in your school and dad will take up shooting pool
Instead of mutilating you and passing you out in his stool.
I think you get it, are we cool?


Axl Rose

P.S. Again, thank you to Sixxstringer for the vibrant illustraion!

Monday, April 25, 2011

In the end, it's a bell! Hooray for bell-ends!

Shockingly, the poll I put up a couple weeks ago has indicated that most people think I will get an intermediate MCAT score, and fewer people think I will get a score at the extremes. It's just like my high school statistics teacher said! Bell curve!

Of course, in creating the poll, I set the "middle" value of my poll at 35-37, so these results might say more about human nature and bell curves than about what my actual score will be...

Friday, April 22, 2011

"I have a secret - I pooped my pants"

OK - it's Friday, I'm tired, not feeling at all witty, and I need to get some infantile humour out of my system. So here it is. This guy, Joseph Ducreux, was a painter dude in the olden days, and for some reason, he insisted on creating paintings that, when taken out of context, are just hilarious. Here are a couple that caught my eye. Enjoyez-vous.

You've seen this fellow before. What can I say? Brilliant. I'm a sucker for that winning grill. My woman is indeed a heavy metal miner!!

You've seen this fellow before as well. What can I say? I'm a sucker for subaquatic pineapple.

OK, that's it. Got it all out of my system. I promise that in my next post, we shall be returning to high-quality, informative posts all about the med school application process, sprinkled with only the highest-of-brow humour, and a minimum number of metal-related tangents...

...cause that's what you've all come to expect of me...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

If you want to be metal like me...

This is probably equally anticipated for me as getting my MCAT scores back, literally. On June 21, Symphony X releases their new album "Iconoclast" to the world! Now I know that probably most of the people reading this blog are more interested in the "med school" part of the blog than the "metal school" part. But you know what? You need to learn!

If you like bubblegum, velcro, and the Mickey Mouse club, don't buy this album. Buy something by Avril Lavine or whatever (but you won't be very metal in my book).

If you like man-ponytails, tie dye t-shirts, and mandals (that's sandals for men of course), then don't buy this album. Buy Phish or the Grateful Dead or whatever (nothing against them, they're fine musicians, they're just...not that metal).

But if you like breathing and/or being alive, and you want to be as metal as possible, you need to check out Symphony X. They will blow your mind out of your ear-hole, and then smoosh it all back in there like some kind of demented neurosurgeon, for the sole purpose of blowing your mind back out the other ear-hole. And they'll repeat it until you ask them to stop. But then they wont. And you wont want them to.

All joking aside, if you like Metallica but wouldn't mind if they were a little more innovative with their song structure, you'll like this band. Their last album, Paradise Lost, is a good place to start.

Anyways, that is all. Get ready to mop your brains off the floor. Rose out.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm Bringin "Forsooth" Back like Justiam Shakerlake (Willyin Timberspeare?)

Indeed, my wench is in order. In fact, my problems are relatively few and small, but this meme made me wet my pants, so I basically just wanted to share the love. It's not really relevant to anything.

Forsooth, this post is basically a reflection of how I have too much time on my hands now that MCAT studying is over, and all I can do is wait around like a lonely choad in the wind...and find hilarious memes on the interwebs.

Well actually, I should be working on my personal statement (the feedback from my first draft was not what I had hoped for - I was going for gravitas). But I hate doing it. It's tough to toot your own horn without tooting it. I think I'll wait till the last minute and see what comes out! Sounds like a winning strategy to me...

19 days...and counting. [sigh] I swear I wasn't this neurotic the first time around. The first time around, I was basically hoping to NOT get a letter from the AAMC asking me how I was able to score a 5 when random guessing would get you a 13 on the MCAT. Literally, to get less than a 13, you'd have to try to get the wrong answers. So the first time around, I was hoping for better than 13. This time around, if I get under 32, I'll have some splainin' to do, which sucks.

Interviewer: "How did you do worse this time than last time son?"

Axl: "Well sir [gulp], I uh...[sniffle]...well I tried really ha[shit pants and run out of room weeping]"

Monday, April 18, 2011

Axl Rose, C.P.A., presents: Money Advice for Med School

My heavy metal vixen is getting around to selecting which med school she wants to go to. The frontrunner is a good east-coast school that recently sent her a financial aid package. While the package was generous, it was still kind of a kick in the mouth to see just how much med school will cost, should I get the privilege. A cool quarter mil is pretty standard these days.

That got ol' Axl thinking, how in the hell am I going to pay for this, on top of all the educational debt I already have, which is a lot. Well friends, without further ado, I present:

"Axl's Foolproof Yule-Tide Debt-Free Seven-Percent Solution to Paying for Med School".

1) Male Stripper-
Now I know this might not seem like the most glamorous side job guys, but actually, it is! After a long hard day of studying med school stuff, you get to shake your ass at night, and people stick ones and sometimes even fives in your crack! Which you can use to buy crack! Or your med school text books. It's also a great way to meet quality ladies. And by quality ladies, I am of course referring to the employees of the Quality Ladies Escort Service.

2) Fireman-
Firemen are the $hit, and everybody knows it! They fight fires, save damsels in distress, and are always the life of the party, so much so that ladies hire them to come to bachelorette parties and strip! Actually, its kind of like being a male stripper, but, you know, one who fights fires too... Seems odd, you wouldn't necessarily expect those skills to go hand in hand...but somehow they pull it off! Badass.

(Now that I think about it though, there is certainly a lot of pole-work required in both arenas...and hose work.)

3) Romance Novel Cover Model-
Since the beginning of time, women the world over have enjoyed a good bodice-ripper every now and again. They dream of kissing guys on the mouth, dating guys "exclusively", and even being allowed to stay the whole night! Ahh me, women with their crazy ideas! Anyways, such women read these books, and they need hot guys to pose on the covers. And who do you want them to be imagining on those long, cold, lonely nights? You of course! Be someone's fantasy, their golden god! This is a great way to pocket some change and keep almost 10% of your clothes on (you know, if you don't want to be a fireman).

Well, that's it! Three great ways to pay your way through med school. I've already gotten a head start on all three as you can see. Look inside yourself, trust your instincts: do you have the physique and flair to be a stripper? Or perhaps you take great pleasure in intense heat and taking your clothes off - firefighting might be for you. For the hopeless romantic/narcissist crew, get yourself on a romance novel cover.

And when you graduate med school debt-free, I dont need your thanks. Keep your cash rewards, save your first-born for a rainy day. Just drop me a note, say hi, let Axl know how you're doin', I don't know, maybe dedicate a book to me or something. I'll sleep better just knowing that I helped. Good hunting, gentle reader.

p.s. very special thanks to Sixxstringer for the sick photoshopping :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Some Blow by a Nose?

Thank (higher power of your choice or none) that it's the weekend! Off to coach a soccer match, going for a not-lose yeah!!

Also, my poll is yielding some very interesting results:

1) 32-34 is in a dead heat with some blow.

2) A bunch of tools think I'ma get <32. Hah! Boo sucks to you!

Will have to probe this data with some statistics...

Rose out.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

First Draft of my PS!

Here is a rough draft of my personal statement - tell me what you think! It's not even finished, so you know, don't be too harsh. I'm pretty happy with it tho. Anyways:

My Personal Statement

Twas the night before Helloween
Oh a night so forlorn
When the world gave a shiver
As Axl was born.

Or rather it'd be
More appropriate to say
He rocked his way out
Of his mom's V-jay-jay

Had the world ever seen,
Could it even had known
Such a metal-ass baby
So bad to the bone?

Forsooth! He was rockin
And as he grew strong
All the girls wanted to jump on
His fourteen inch...blinding intellect

And all of the boys
And men of the court
Inquired of Axl
Why they came up short

"You need much more gusto"
Said Axl with glee,
"You're just not that metal,
Not as metal as me!"

When Axl grew up
Around age fifteen
He hied from his home
Aboard the Mississippi Queen

With nothing but talent
And his old guitar
He knew beyond doubt
That he would go far

Then all of a sudden
For no reason whate'r
He figured a change
Was thick in the air

Why yes, it's obvious
Easy to see!
I ought not play gee-tar
I ought to MD!

Then Axl submitted
His AMCAS on time
Which brings us to
This very PS, in rhyme!

And so, Mr. Adcom
(Or Missus or Miss)
I think you will see
Once you have read this,

That I am indeed
the e-pi-to-mee
Of everything that
A good doctor should be

I'm gentle and caring
And handsome and fair
And metal and rockin'
With flaxen blond hair

Got flair, got style,
Got a mile long hose.
So please admit me,

Axl Rose

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Statistics for Premeds: New Third Edition!!

The Trouble with Dribbles

I am a soccer coach for little 9-year-old kids. It started as a thing to do for community service, but it turned in to something that I look forward to 3 times a week. Last weekend we won our first game ever! And by won, I mean didn't lose. As in, we tied. Which is a pretty big victory for us. Unfortunately, while all the other 9-year-old kid teams are starting to learn to pass and dribble, my boys are somehow stuck playing mob ball: there are always at least 3 of my players trying to take the ball, usually from one another. Oh well. Going for a win this Saturday!

On a totally unrelated note, I am coming out today, as a...trekkie! Live long and prosper! Kapla! Dammit I'm a doctor Jim not a (insert anything)! Ahhh me... good times. Anyways, that is all. Trying to kill time till MCAT results come out. Vote in my poll - if you are correct, you will win a biiig prize! What's the prize? Hah, you almost got me there- I wont let it slip. Its the most amazing, ass-blasting, mind-blowing prize ever. How will I know who to give the prize to if the poll is anonymous? WELL sir, um...oh.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Ahh the afterglow...

The countdown has ended, d-day has has come and gone, I have serviced my Mega Crap-Ass Test, and I have done the walk of shame.

Triage: It went well, I think... Physics went better than usual, verbal was verbal, and bio was harder than usual. Guessing worst case = P10, V11, B10. Guessing best case = P13, V13, B12. SO somewhere between 31-38. Very informative, I know. You'll just have to tune in on May 10th to find out more...

Today: Enjoying my freedom. Sitting around, listening to Crusade by Trivium, definitely one my favorite metal albums from the 2000's. Watching TV, just catching up on life. Starting my list of schools, and going to work on personal statement again. Calm before the storm. Rose out.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A hot date with destiny (spoiler alert: I get lucky)

Quiz time!

This video reflects:
a) The most appropriate song for today.
b) How mind-bogglingly awesome I will be tomorrow morning
c) My secret crush on Gob Bluth
d) All of the above

The answer is of course d. If you answered anything else but d, you are dumb. Have an awesome Friday, although I doubt it will be half as awesome as my Saturday yeahh! Will let you all know how it goes. Rose out.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Coke and Hot Fries

Whoa - 2 days to MCAT...

I took a couple Physical Sciences sections in the last 2 days and got a 10 and an 11. Which is worse than I've been doing, but still pretty good - better than I did on the real MCAT 2 years ago. But I got a little scared, so instead of taking it super easy this week, I'm taking it medium easy and going through physics and gen chem again. Which makes my brain cry hyperosmotic tears.

Ugh...after the MCAT on saturday I'm gonna lose myself in a cloud of video games, metal, and a giant 8-ball of coke and mashed-up Hot Fries, and I'ma pass out and sleep for 9 days.

Listening to: Karma by Winger - It's pretty bomb.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Post about my Sordid Past

I feel that this is a good time to take down that dusty tome and reveal the sordid past (since junior year of college) that got me to this point in my life. However, since I don't want to bore you with a detailed autobiography, I shall freely elaborate this 3rd-person narrative with exaggerations, fabrications, inventions, manufactations, and straight up lies. For the benefit of those few who might actually care for the truth, I will label all manufactations with asterisks. You're welcome.

At the end of junior year at Heavy Metal University*, Axl decided that he was going to become a pre-med. He decided this because, although his primary goal was to become a rockstar (no asterisk), medicine seemed like a decent back-up career. He went to the HMU premed advisor and told her his story. When she saw how low his GPA was, she was so shocked that her eyes popped all the way out of her skull and her testicles dropped even lower than his GPA*. It was a 3.1, with a 3.0 sGPA.

Axl's senior year really sucked, because he suddenly had to take Orgo II, Calc II, and Gen Chem II (he had been a bio major, so these classes had not been in his agenda). He also tried to take Physics II, but it was ridiculous, so he dropped.

Axl graduated HMU in the spring of 2007 with flying colors and high honors**. He was such an academic superstar that the college president could barely hide his rager at the honor of shaking Axl's hand as he collected his diploma*****.

At the end of the summer, he moved to NYC to fulfill his dream of becoming a metal god. He was a very good metal guitar player, and a good singer too, so he figured it would only be a few months before he collected together the baddest-ass group of troublemakers to take over the world with our metallic righteousness.

8 months later, Axl was broke, depressed, and the record deal he had signed with Fat Cat Records had fallen through*. He moved back to Bumpkintown where his parents lived, and plotted his next move. He came to realize that he was too smart to waste the rest of his life servicing that fickle maiden Music for the remote chance at getting in her pants. He took the MCAT in 2008, got a 32, and applied to a Master's of Biotech program at Elite High-Tea Time Fancy U* in Philadelphia, and got in. At the end of 2009, he applied to med school just as he was finishing his masters. He received 3 interviews and 3 waitlists.

Then one day in February 2010, he got the call! He had been accepted "provisionally" to Military Med SOM. The "provisionally" meant he had to pass a security clearance test and a medical fitness test. He passed the security test. He did not pass the fitness test due to an ancient heart defect that had been fixed when he was a child.

Bummed, Axl plotted his next move.

In the summer of 2010, he moved to a brave new state, one where the sun always shined, people always smiled*, alcohol came trickling down in streams from the Big Rock-Candy Mountain* out back, and the state med school had very reasonable tuition rates... He brought along a heavy-metal vixen whom he had met in Physics II which he had taken at Elite High Tea-Time Fancy U (the class, not the vixen).

He got a job at the local university, and prepared to re-assault Mt. Med School one...last...time...

Which brings us to today. My heavy-metal vixen has received acceptances at 4 med schools as of today, and we have added to our family with a cat named Bobbins Magellan Chookums Mouse-Destroyer 3000 (guess which part of the name I came up with). And the MCAT is in...4 days! If all goes according to plan, this is the year that I force the mountain to its knees. Follow me as I wheel and deal, plead and appeal, wine and dine, relax and unwind, sharpen my shuriken and darken my burkens all the way to med school bitches! Yeahh!

Note: Despite what this jocular post states, medicine is NOT a good back-up career lol! Medicine is a career for those who have thought very carefully about whether there is anything else in the world that they might be good at/enjoy doing, and have come up with the answer "no". Then they volunteered a ton of hours, talked to a ton of docs and med students, and decided that they hate money and freedom so much that this is the career for them.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

There Will Be Ramen (and an end to E-titled posts)

Oops, we po agin!

Such is the life of a pre-med who is dating another pre-med who are both post-grads in a $hitty economy. Oh well. We get by.

In other news, I scored 38, 40, 35 in my last three full-lengths, which is crazy awesome. I was hoping for >33 when I started studying 6 months ago. Now I am still hoping for >33, but I know that I can get >35 on the real thing, and if I did that, then I would almost definitely get in to some med school the second time round (i.e. this time). One week left to D-day.

Listening to: Devildriver this weekend. Forgot how awesome they were - time to shake all that Steel Panther out of my limited-capacity brain.