Saturday, August 20, 2011

Spaghetti HoBolognese

There comes a time in a man's life when he just gets tired of eating shit - basically once you've tried every flavor of ramen and started combining them to make it interesting, you're there. That time came about 2 years ago for me, and I started to learn how to cook. I'm pretty bomb now, I can make loads of stuff.

However, as you may have gathered, I am now living in an apartment with basically nothing in it - I'm pretty much a squatter. But today I had enough, and decided that I was going to cook. And so, gentle reader, I present to you:

"Axl Roses No-bull All-beef Cow-meat Top-secret All-you-can-eat Photo-journalism Recipe for Spaghetti HoBolognese!"

Step 1: Walk a mile to the grocery store. You will probably get mugged. Perform sexual acts to get enough money for groceries. Get your groceries, and hightail it back to your squat.

Step 2: Find the least gross counter space.



Getting warmer...

Thar she blows! Now wipe that baby down with toilet paper, beacause you don't have any paper towels in the house.

Step 3: Lay out your ingredients. I recommend Newman's Marinara, and whatever ground beef is on manager's special - that way you know that that beef is good and aged. It can really soak up the flavor of the supermarket - it's had plenty of time to mature.

Hehe - just kidding. Oranges! For Pete's sake!


Step 4: Use a dull butter knife to peel your carrot. Remember, always peel away from yourself - you wouldn't want to...well, you wouldn't want to bump yourself with the knife.

Then use excalibur there to chop that bitch up.

Step 5: You're going to want to start peeling and chopping your onion...

But don't! Instead, grab your meat...


and throw it straight in your hobo pot. You'll want about a pound of beef (that's what she said), and just put it in with a little bit of olive oil on high heat to brown the meat. Should take about 3 mins.

Step...whatever: Use your lightsaber to chop up the onion.

One whole onion should do the trick.

and throw that shit right in the pot with the meat. Cook all that together for another 5 minutes till the onions are translucent or even a little brown.

Step Whatever +1: Chop up your celery, and toss in the carrots, celery, and a whole jar of tomato sauce right in to the pot. Reduce heat to medium or medium low, and let it sit for maybe 40 minutes, turning it over periodically.

Aaaaaaawwwwwww yeah grrl! Give it up! At this point, your hobolognese is starting to approach its panty-dropping perfection. Half-way thru, chop up a bunch of fresh basil and toss that in.

40 minutes later, take it out of the pot and put it in to whatever containers you have. I have a bowl! And a plate!

Step Alpha: Clean your pot out and cook your pasta.

Why are we using the same pot? To get that hobolognese flavour in to our pasta? To keep the pot hot and boil the water faster? No- we reuse the pot because we are a hobo, and have only one pot. Idiot.

While your pasta is cooking, let your hobolognese sauce cool off a little. It actually tastes better after it's had some time to sit. That chill time allows it to get juicy.

Step Omega: Strain your pasta... oh wait. We are a hobo and don't have a strainer. Well, just put the lid on the pot and tip it upside-down in the sink and hope that the scalding water and steam doesn't cause you to drop the pasta in to the disposal thingy, and then you put your hand down there to fish out the pasta and then a power surge turns the disposal on and... well then you got your bolognese the fast way.

Et voila!

Bueno Appetito!

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