Monday, May 16, 2011
How to Win the MCAT
We are cooking dinner now - chicken marsala - and by we, I mean my heavy-metal vixen. While the chicken absorbs those crazy awesome juices, I thought I'd share my crazy awesome juices with you, gentle reader: my thoughts on how to get a sweet MCAT score.
"Axl Rose's Fail-Proof Non-Bleached Almost-Fat-Free Seven Percent Solution to Owning the MCAT"
Rule #1: Have sex with the proctor, immediately.
I cannot overemphasize how important this rule is. If you're not having sex with your proctor before the MCAT, you might as well walk in to the exam room and start eating the mouse while sitting on the keyboard, entering a string of random letters for answers.
Rule #2: Study only in loud and distracting environments.
OK, so this is an actual Kaplan MCAT tip, which I think is hilarious. Well, they say to take practice tests in distracting environments so that on the actual day you can handle it. Unfortunately, the actual MCAT is held in a room where a quiet fart would startle everybody in there. It's dead silent, so studying in a loud place or taking practice tests at a startbucks is just dumb. Which is why it's my second tip!
Rule #3: Sit next to the white guy.
This rule may seem racist. However, you don't know which race I am (hint: the best one), therefore this may or may not be a racist rule. But there is a logic to my madness. You see, gentle reader, since the beginning of time, doctors have been stodgy old white dudes with sweet moustaches and hot trophy-wives. Today, med schools realize that if they fill their med schools with only white dudes, then a) that's a total sausage-fest, and b) the dance parties would look like a bunch of drunken zombie-Ents marching off to battle Sauron. Therefore, if that white guy is getting in to med school, he's probably going to get a 46 on the MCAT. Sit next to him, and surreptitiously cheat off him. It's what all the cool kids are doing.
Rule #4: When guessing, choose C: it's always C.
Except when it isn't. But it usually is, and there is good scientific reasoning behind that. You see, if you don't know the answer, then it's a hard question. Who answers hard questions? The nerds at the front of the class of course! So you should choose A right? Wrong! Too obvious, dummy! That's what they want you to guess. A is the sucker man's C. B is tempting because it's sort of in the middle between the extremes - a good place to hide a correct answer. But no, that's what they want you to think. D can be tempting for those who've just given up hope. What the hell, right? D, it's snuck in there at the end, all unsuspecting and shit. But D is the slacker man's C. Be a winner, choose C.
That's it! Follow those simple rules, and you will be awesome and metal like me. Good hunting.