Tuesday, April 26, 2011

PS: Second Draft

Hey all. So my first personal statement really lacked something, some kind of je ne sais quois. Well, I bent this thing over and packed it full of je ne sais quois. I think I've achieved the solemn gravitas I was looking for in my first draft. Enjoy.

Once upon a midnight dreary, sleeping soundly, nothin’ eerie
Slept a peaceful woman, sleeping, dreaming of all kinds of stuff.
As she slumbered in her chamber, suddenly she sensed a danger
Even thought she heard a tapping… but she said “Enough’s enough.
‘Tis my husband making noises, so I shall not call his bluff.
Tis my husband, in the buff…”

The lass, asleep and out of steam, dream’d a most disturbing dream
Fogs and swirls of color flashed, and at the op’ning of the scene
She saw herself and all around, she heard that rap-tap-tapping sound.
Source unkown, for it was dark. The sound was surely very mean.
And as she peered in to the black, she saw a shape, oh! tall and lean
Tall and lean, with teeth agleam.

“Who is there?” the lady called, half enthralled and half appalled,
Then she screwed her eyes against the light, that she might better see.
The blur took shape as it came closer. It said “Ready?” she said “No sir,
Please sir, I am just a lady and I really need to pee.”
Suddenly, a spin, a stab, the thing was gone as gone can be
Nothing left, alone was she.

In the morning she awoke and gave her tum a gentle poke.
“Sore…” as she had feared the case would be at morning’s light.
Nine months later, belly swollen, womb pressed up against her colon,
People wondered if the rumours ‘bout her baby’s dad were right.
Had she really been knocked up by demon in the dead of night?
Soon the truth would come to light.

Suddenly, oh what a wonder! Mother’s chest was split asunder!
Out burst Axl Rose in all his slimy, tough insectoidness !
“Look!” they cried, “an alien! A bad-ass, metal alien!”
Axl stalked the street in search of prey to quell his hungriness.
Meanwhile Axl’s mommy’s husband thought that this was such BS
What a pickle! What a mess!

Anyways, long story short, I’m here and happy to report
That I have quit my people-eating, now I’m in to cardio!
If you’ll let me in your school, I’ll study hard, won’t be a tool,
And when I become an attending I will donate lots of dough.
Please! I want to be a doc! You really do not even know,
Oh please oh please I want it so!

Oh and PS, by the way, my daddy has a Shrink-Death ray
That shrinks you till you’re dead and all your guts explode from being too small.
And somewhere, as our law allows, he’s out there mutilating cows.
He’s fond of doing that of course, but lately he has hit a wall
He’s bored, you see, with cows and now he doesn’t care for them at all.
Cows have simply lost their thrall.

He’s looking for some smarter prey, perhaps you know of some? I say!
Perhaps a dean! or someone else who makes decisions at your school?
Or do you think it would be best if we just lay this thing to rest and
You can let me in your school and dad will take up shooting pool
Instead of mutilating you and passing you out in his stool.
I think you get it, are we cool?


Axl Rose

P.S. Again, thank you to Sixxstringer for the vibrant illustraion!


  1. Hahahah, dude, where do you come up with this GENIUS stuff?? Love it :D

  2. You’re starting to get hooked on rhyming posts. Come join the darkside, muhahaha...