Monday, July 11, 2011
The Dreaded Massively Multiplayer Interview
I think it sounds pretty cool - way more entertaining that explaining for the billionth time why I want to be a doctor (same 4 reasons as everyone else dude: chicks, money, power, and chicks), and why this school is my fave ( "There's just no place as dope as this, mister! You have a sim lab!" I swear, when I find a school that doesn't have a sim lab, I'm giving them a frikkin prize).
Anyways, for those of you freaking out about the MMI, fear not! For your eyeballs's pleasure:
Axl Rose's Once-a-day Low-sodium Acne-fighting Blemish-Concealing One-night-only Guide to Winning the MMI!
Counterintuitive? Sure, why do you think I wrote this guide? (For the $benjamins$, of course). You might think that being a dick is a bad thing for med school interviews. Get with the times grandma! That was in the OLD system. Wanna know who is going to win the MMI? Do you remember that frat guy who stood on the porch of the frat and blasted his douche music and, on Halloween, named eveybody's costume as they passed by, preceded by the word "slutty"? Remember that? "Slutty vampire! Slutty cow! Slutty robot! Slutty ninja!" Well not only was he strangely accurate in his evaluation of your costume, but THAT is the guy who's going to rock the MMI. This new interview format is all about being confident in your own opinion, about thinking on your feet, and being able to chill with the interviewer. If you are going to think too much, you're toast! Dorks are out, dicks are in!
Rule #2: Have sex with the interviewer, immediately.
Regular readers of my blog might recognize this step from my BAFTA-winning entry on How to Win the MCAT. Look, I understand that some people might be uncomfortable with this rule, especially since there are 9 interviews in a row. But you know what, sometimes you have to roll the hard 6 (or 6-and-a-half in my case). The medical profession is all about sacrifice - and it starts now. Do the right thing.
Counterintuitive? Sure, why do you think I wrote this guide? You may be tempted to punch your interviewer in the face. I recommend against it...
Rule #4: Wear one of those tear-away stripper suits.
But Axl, I thought you were supposed to dress conservatively at these things? Yeah dude, you were, in the OLD system. Get with the times Larry King. In the OLD interview system, you had a leisurely half-hour or an hour to make an impression. Now you have 8 minutes. So how are YOU going to make an impression, huh? Answer the questions honestly to the best of your abilities? OH! Good idea! Good thing nobody else thought of that!
[facepalm sigh] It's ok. That's why I'm here - to guide you through this thing. You need to make a big impression in a little time? Tear-away stripper suit. Every time. I speak from experience - I don't think I've ever been forgotten by an interviewer after stripping for them. If you had more than 8 minutes, I'd recommend a regular suit, but since it's just 8 minutes and you have to do it 9 times, I'd go with the tear-away model. Oh, and if you have a bachelorette party coming up, or a bar mitzvah, or a retirement party, and you need a stripper, I offer very reasonable rates. And I have experience and photos if you need them.
And inside the card? Cold hard greenbacks baby. Nothing says thank-you like money in the bank-you. Whatever you can afford, it doesn't have to be much. But that's the way the system works, you know? It's not pretty, but it's the way it goes. Oh, and don't mention the word "bribe" or "kickback" in the card itself. They are a little sensitive about that kind of thing. They prefer "secondary application fee".
And there you have it folks! Foolproof! Bulletproof! Axlproof!
(P.S. Props to rude-boy13 on deviantart for the slutty robot - aaawesome!)