Saturday, January 7, 2012

Free money: clothed people need not apply.

So you may or may not know that medical school costs more than a black market human liver. For the cost of your med school education, you could buy a Mclaren F1. You could buy 300 televisions, all of them 60" flat-screen LCD's, and cover every wall of your house with high-def sweetness. You could buy 100 purebred Arabian racehorses, and then hire 100 nuns to race them in the Kentucky Derby. In green-man costumes.

For the cost of a med school education, I could resurrect Kim Jong Il, buy him a Batman costume, and hire him to fight crime in Gotham.

So on my last day off before I go back to work tomorrow, I thought it would be smart to start looking for scholarships. I thought I might find some that are specific-ish to me. You know, scholarship for people of Germanic descent. Scholarships for people with research background.

Well, here is what I found instead:

1) Scholarship for Excellence in Predicting the Future

This is an actual scholarship. It is for people who are able to predict the economic trends in the stock market and stuff like that. You know what? If they can predict the stock market, why the fuck do they need a scholarship!?

2) Sophie Major Memorial Duck Calling Scholarship

This is an actual scholarship. For people who can call ducks with one of those duck whistles. That's right. If you can make ducks appear by blowing on a whistle, they'll give you money. Now, I don't mean to belittle the memory of Sophie Major, but was she so passionate about duck calling that she thought it warranted a scholarship? Apparently I am from the wrong part of America to understand this. Fair enough... but get this:

3) American Nudist Research Library Scholarship

This is an actual scholarship. If you do significant research in to nudity, you can get money. Really nudists? Really? Research this, nudists: why do you all gots to show us your shameful, shameful bodies? Any why is there no such thing as a hot nudist?

4) National Marbles Tournament Scholarship

Money for playing with my balls? I'm in.

5) Frederick and Mary F. Beckley Scholarship

For lefties. You know what? That's racist, sir.

Anyways, that's all. Also, I just have to throw this family portrait in the mix:

Also, I have been listening to a lot of Gojira. Awesome metal band out of France. Plus, if you ever get the urge to listen to literally 4 minutes and 20 seconds of people screaming bloody murder, listen to the track 1990 Quatrillions De Tonnes. Seriously, lol.

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