Merry New Year Bitches!

The X-mas season has come and gone, and a new year upon is almost upon us. Presents were exchanged, food was et, and all in all, it has been a good year. I'm just about ready for my winter nap [yaaawwwwnnn], well, I guess that's it, see you all in the spring.

What's that? I didn't give you a present for Xmas? Hmmm... I know I had it somewhere... ah yes:




A Christmas Message to My Loyal Minions
by Axl Rose

Twas the night after christmas, and all up in this bitch,
People had heard about Axl's big switch.
No longer a pre-med, but now an M-zero,
Axl was cooler than Robert De Niro.

Ho's now adore him! And men are all jelly
From Cali to London to Spain and New Delhi!
All will converge just to pay their respect,
to give him some candy, and then genuflect.

The world is his oyster, and wouldn't you know,
He's now more attractive, why, dang'rously so:
The men all turn gay when they see Axl dance,
And lesbos turn straight just so they have a chance.

They all bat their lashes and flash him their eyes,
In vain hope of making dear Axl Rose rise.
They forget of course that, since he went MD,
He's far too high-class for such Tom-foolery.

Yessir life is good, things are pretty much set
It's downhill from here, goals are pretty much met.
He'll fly right through med school with Honors and A's,
The profs will adore him (cause now they're all gays).

A couple more years and he'll be an attending.
He'll get a Ferrari without over-spending.
He'll buy himself zebras to ride through the town
and also a gold-plated rad midget clown.

All of these things are the future no doubt,
So Axl will sit back and let it play out.
And so, gentle reader, do I invite you,
To watch it all happen with me, and some poo.


Merry New Year

So Many G's, So Many Ho's

As many of you may know, I am a talented musician. One of my many talents is songwriting - I can pop them out in like 2 seconds. In fact, here is one that I just wrote right this second:

Ohhhhhhhhh
I got so many Benjamins
And you aint got none!
I bought a coffee for myself
And you cain't have some!

Fo dinner I'ma reheat
Some Hobolognese
Fo brekfast I'ma eat
Cold pizza from yesterdayz!

Ohhhh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so many G's
Ohh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!

Last night in the club
The ladies thought I was fine
I stepped on the dancefloor
And made it rain dimes!

So much money ho
You ain't neva seen
I show you so many Washingtons
You'll only see green

And I ain't talkin bout
No quarters, puh-laise!
I'm talkin bout them ones bitch
I'm rich like Hollandaise

So Haters Gonna Hate
I got so many G's
Oh Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!

Yesterday I went to Subway
And bought me a samwich
I got 40 cents change
And tossed in the can bitch!

When you got so much cash
It's weighing you down
Just grab a fistful of it,
And spend it on the town!

Like go to starbucks
get a grande not a tall!
Or go to the market
And buy 2-ply y'all!

Cause Haters Gonna Hate
I got so may G's
Yeah Haters Gonna Hate
I got so much cheez!



Gangsta yo! Tupac!

Spaghetti HoBolognese

There comes a time in a man's life when he just gets tired of eating shit - basically once you've tried every flavor of ramen and started combining them to make it interesting, you're there. That time came about 2 years ago for me, and I started to learn how to cook. I'm pretty bomb now, I can make loads of stuff.

However, as you may have gathered, I am now living in an apartment with basically nothing in it - I'm pretty much a squatter. But today I had enough, and decided that I was going to cook. And so, gentle reader, I present to you:




"Axl Roses No-bull All-beef Cow-meat Top-secret All-you-can-eat Photo-journalism Recipe for Spaghetti HoBolognese!"

Step 1: Walk a mile to the grocery store. You will probably get mugged. Perform sexual acts to get enough money for groceries. Get your groceries, and hightail it back to your squat.

Step 2: Find the least gross counter space.

Gross

Nope

Getting warmer...

Thar she blows! Now wipe that baby down with toilet paper, beacause you don't have any paper towels in the house.








Step 3: Lay out your ingredients. I recommend Newman's Marinara, and whatever ground beef is on manager's special - that way you know that that beef is good and aged. It can really soak up the flavor of the supermarket - it's had plenty of time to mature.

Hehe - just kidding. Oranges! For Pete's sake!

There!









Step 4: Use a dull butter knife to peel your carrot. Remember, always peel away from yourself - you wouldn't want to...well, you wouldn't want to bump yourself with the knife.

Then use excalibur there to chop that bitch up.










Step 5: You're going to want to start peeling and chopping your onion...

But don't! Instead, grab your meat...

(heh-heh...)

and throw it straight in your hobo pot. You'll want about a pound of beef (that's what she said), and just put it in with a little bit of olive oil on high heat to brown the meat. Should take about 3 mins.





Step...whatever: Use your lightsaber to chop up the onion.

One whole onion should do the trick.

and throw that shit right in the pot with the meat. Cook all that together for another 5 minutes till the onions are translucent or even a little brown.




Step Whatever +1: Chop up your celery, and toss in the carrots, celery, and a whole jar of tomato sauce right in to the pot. Reduce heat to medium or medium low, and let it sit for maybe 40 minutes, turning it over periodically.

Aaaaaaawwwwwww yeah grrl! Give it up! At this point, your hobolognese is starting to approach its panty-dropping perfection. Half-way thru, chop up a bunch of fresh basil and toss that in.

40 minutes later, take it out of the pot and put it in to whatever containers you have. I have a bowl! And a plate!







Step Alpha: Clean your pot out and cook your pasta.

Why are we using the same pot? To get that hobolognese flavour in to our pasta? To keep the pot hot and boil the water faster? No- we reuse the pot because we are a hobo, and have only one pot. Idiot.




While your pasta is cooking, let your hobolognese sauce cool off a little. It actually tastes better after it's had some time to sit. That chill time allows it to get juicy.

Step Omega: Strain your pasta... oh wait. We are a hobo and don't have a strainer. Well, just put the lid on the pot and tip it upside-down in the sink and hope that the scalding water and steam doesn't cause you to drop the pasta in to the disposal thingy, and then you put your hand down there to fish out the pasta and then a power surge turns the disposal on and... well then you got your bolognese the fast way.

Et voila!









Bueno Appetito!

Der turk er jerbs!

Ugh - craziness.

-I have completed about 15 secondaries out of 22, so I'm almost there. My soul has been completely sucked out of my face. Like a dementor.

-Tomorrow, we are moving to the east coast! Which is exciting, but there's a lot to do. It's going to be a hell of a road trip- I'm gonna see some corn fields! I might even keep a Totally Metal Pre-Med Road Trip Diary and post it here! And I might not!

So there's all that. Instead of dwelling on the massive list of shit I got to do before tomorrow, I will dwell on:

5 Awesome Things by Axl Rose the Pre-med-not-the-singer

1) In Waves. Its the name of an about-to-be-released album and just-released single by Trivium. It rocks so hard. I was afraid that Trivium was over for a minute there, but they're back, hardcore. Two thumbs up. And speaking of music...

2) Spotify. The king of online streaming music service is finally available in the USA, and I got it! It's by invitation only right now, but I gots dem connexions. I've been test-driving it, and I have to say, it's quite metal. One thumb and a half up.

3) Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I saw the HPot movie over the weekend. It was sweet, but mostly I was excited about the trailer for the Rise movie. It looks sick. Two simian knuckle-thumbs up. And speaking of simians...

4) Messin with Sasquatch. My favorite commercial campaign by far. They are all on youtube, and they will make you smile, chortle, and, at times, guffaw. Watch them.


5) South Park. It's been around for a long time, but honeslty, every time I come back to it, it's good for some laughs. Do you all remember "Der terk er jerbs"? With all the rednecks complaining about people from the future taking their jobs? Classic. Goood good times.


That is all. Carry on.

The Dreaded Massively Multiplayer Interview

The topic of the day in Pre-Med world is the NYT article about the new Multiple Mini-Interview (MMI) format for med school admissions. People are freaking out because it's new. In a sentence, in this new interview format, you have 8 or 9 mini-interviews instead of one or two half-hour ones, and each interview is a scenario or ethcal dilemma that you have 8 minutes to deal with. Then on to the next room.

I think it sounds pretty cool - way more entertaining that explaining for the billionth time why I want to be a doctor (same 4 reasons as everyone else dude: chicks, money, power, and chicks), and why this school is my fave ( "There's just no place as dope as this, mister! You have a sim lab!" I swear, when I find a school that doesn't have a sim lab, I'm giving them a frikkin prize).

Anyways, for those of you freaking out about the MMI, fear not! For your eyeballs's pleasure:

Axl Rose's Once-a-day Low-sodium Acne-fighting Blemish-Concealing One-night-only Guide to Winning the MMI!

Rule #1: Be a Dick

Counterintuitive? Sure, why do you think I wrote this guide? (For the $benjamins$, of course). You might think that being a dick is a bad thing for med school interviews. Get with the times grandma! That was in the OLD system. Wanna know who is going to win the MMI? Do you remember that frat guy who stood on the porch of the frat and blasted his douche music and, on Halloween, named eveybody's costume as they passed by, preceded by the word "slutty"? Remember that? "Slutty vampire! Slutty cow! Slutty robot! Slutty ninja!" Well not only was he strangely accurate in his evaluation of your costume, but THAT is the guy who's going to rock the MMI. This new interview format is all about being confident in your own opinion, about thinking on your feet, and being able to chill with the interviewer. If you are going to think too much, you're toast! Dorks are out, dicks are in!

Rule #2: Have sex with the interviewer, immediately.

Regular readers of my blog might recognize this step from my BAFTA-winning entry on How to Win the MCAT. Look, I understand that some people might be uncomfortable with this rule, especially since there are 9 interviews in a row. But you know what, sometimes you have to roll the hard 6 (or 6-and-a-half in my case). The medical profession is all about sacrifice - and it starts now. Do the right thing.

Rule #3: Don't punch the interviewer in the face.

Counterintuitive? Sure, why do you think I wrote this guide? You may be tempted to punch your interviewer in the face. I recommend against it...







Rule #4: Wear one of those tear-away stripper suits.

But Axl, I thought you were supposed to dress conservatively at these things? Yeah dude, you were, in the OLD system. Get with the times Larry King. In the OLD interview system, you had a leisurely half-hour or an hour to make an impression. Now you have 8 minutes. So how are YOU going to make an impression, huh? Answer the questions honestly to the best of your abilities? OH! Good idea! Good thing nobody else thought of that!

[facepalm sigh] It's ok. That's why I'm here - to guide you through this thing. You need to make a big impression in a little time? Tear-away stripper suit. Every time. I speak from experience - I don't think I've ever been forgotten by an interviewer after stripping for them. If you had more than 8 minutes, I'd recommend a regular suit, but since it's just 8 minutes and you have to do it 9 times, I'd go with the tear-away model. Oh, and if you have a bachelorette party coming up, or a bar mitzvah, or a retirement party, and you need a stripper, I offer very reasonable rates. And I have experience and photos if you need them.

Rule #5: Always send a thank you card after the interview...

And inside the card? Cold hard greenbacks baby. Nothing says thank-you like money in the bank-you. Whatever you can afford, it doesn't have to be much. But that's the way the system works, you know? It's not pretty, but it's the way it goes. Oh, and don't mention the word "bribe" or "kickback" in the card itself. They are a little sensitive about that kind of thing. They prefer "secondary application fee".

(Burrrrn! :)

~~~

And there you have it folks! Foolproof! Bulletproof! Axlproof!


(P.S. Props to rude-boy13 on deviantart for the slutty robot - aaawesome!)

Axl Rose, Pre-Med God presents...

How to Choose a Med School

A couple of days ago, my female got accepted in to the med school of her dreams. The problem is that she has already accepted a spot at another great med school with a fat scholarship. She is at her wits end trying to figure out what to do. I figured that some among my minions might have similar problems (or hope to have similar problems). Well, it's your lucky day sucker! Presenting:

"Axl Rose's Patented Idiot-proof Step-by-step 5-Minutes-a-day Almost-fat-free Ribbed-for-her-pleasure Guide to Choosing a Med School"

(expand, unless you are a falcon)

Open publication - Free publishing - More medical school

How to Win the MCAT

So I am not supposed to be writing blog posts because AAMCAS and AACOMAS are happening now, which means that I need to come up with a "real" personal statement, fill out the applications, and get all my transcripts and letters sent in. Also, my scientific paper has somehow failed to write itself, so I am stuck cleaning up that mess too!

We are cooking dinner now - chicken marsala - and by we, I mean my heavy-metal vixen. While the chicken absorbs those crazy awesome juices, I thought I'd share my crazy awesome juices with you, gentle reader: my thoughts on how to get a sweet MCAT score.

"Axl Rose's Fail-Proof Non-Bleached Almost-Fat-Free Seven Percent Solution to Owning the MCAT"

Rule #1: Have sex with the proctor, immediately.

I cannot overemphasize how important this rule is. If you're not having sex with your proctor before the MCAT, you might as well walk in to the exam room and start eating the mouse while sitting on the keyboard, entering a string of random letters for answers.

Rule #2: Study only in loud and distracting environments.

OK, so this is an actual Kaplan MCAT tip, which I think is hilarious. Well, they say to take practice tests in distracting environments so that on the actual day you can handle it. Unfortunately, the actual MCAT is held in a room where a quiet fart would startle everybody in there. It's dead silent, so studying in a loud place or taking practice tests at a startbucks is just dumb. Which is why it's my second tip!

Rule #3: Sit next to the white guy.

This rule may seem racist. However, you don't know which race I am (hint: the best one), therefore this may or may not be a racist rule. But there is a logic to my madness. You see, gentle reader, since the beginning of time, doctors have been stodgy old white dudes with sweet moustaches and hot trophy-wives. Today, med schools realize that if they fill their med schools with only white dudes, then a) that's a total sausage-fest, and b) the dance parties would look like a bunch of drunken zombie-Ents marching off to battle Sauron. Therefore, if that white guy is getting in to med school, he's probably going to get a 46 on the MCAT. Sit next to him, and surreptitiously cheat off him. It's what all the cool kids are doing.

Rule #4: When guessing, choose C: it's always C.

Except when it isn't. But it usually is, and there is good scientific reasoning behind that. You see, if you don't know the answer, then it's a hard question. Who answers hard questions? The nerds at the front of the class of course! So you should choose A right? Wrong! Too obvious, dummy! That's what they want you to guess. A is the sucker man's C. B is tempting because it's sort of in the middle between the extremes - a good place to hide a correct answer. But no, that's what they want you to think. D can be tempting for those who've just given up hope. What the hell, right? D, it's snuck in there at the end, all unsuspecting and shit. But D is the slacker man's C. Be a winner, choose C.

That's it! Follow those simple rules, and you will be awesome and metal like me. Good hunting.

Axl was ill... did a lot of thinking

Yes, I was sick in bed for the last week. My life has been on hold as my body took bloody vengeance against me. I have since recovered, and now find that I am suddenly a day away from getting back my MCAT scores, 2 days away from the deadline for my Anatomy final exam, 2 days away from my birthday, and 10 days away from (drumroll please)... SYSTEM OF A DOWN SHOW!!! With Gogol Bordello opening! It's going to be ridiculous.

But how am I paying for tickets, you ask? Well actually those are a gift from my female, woot! But still, how do I pay my rent and all the goddamn application fees for AAMCAS and AACOMAS? Glad you asked, cause it's time for another installment of:

"Axl's Foolproof Yule-Tide Debt-Free Seven-Percent Solution to Paying for Med School"

1) Tech Support Guy-
What? Axl Rose knows computers? Does Pinnochio have wooden balls? Computers are everywhere, they are ubiquitous. To not know computers is to be a blind man trying to Cathernine-Zeta-Jones-it through a room full of lasers. Wait... actually she couldn't see the lasers in that room could she... bad analogy. I guess not knowing computers would be more like a deaf man on America's Best Dance Crew, which, by the way is a quality show... In any case, tech support is a crucial and honorable job, and a great side-gig for paying your way through med school.

2) Shake-Weight Commercial Model-
What can I say about the shake weight that hasn't already been said. It's one of man's highest accomplishments. And by highest, I of course mean that you had to be high to think of this thing and have to be high to think this is a good idea/buy it/use it/watch the commercial. And while everybody is watching the commercial, you might as well get in there! Raise your profile! Who knows what kind of career opportunities await successful shake-weight commercial alumni? Why, you could...um...well you have a great "in" for male prostitution basically...or politics.

3) Human Sushi Plate-
OK so this might seem a little demeaning. But you know what, you get to eat any sushi still left on you at the end of the night. And you get flowers to cover your nips.

Axl Rose, C.P.A., presents: Money Advice for Med School

My heavy metal vixen is getting around to selecting which med school she wants to go to. The frontrunner is a good east-coast school that recently sent her a financial aid package. While the package was generous, it was still kind of a kick in the mouth to see just how much med school will cost, should I get the privilege. A cool quarter mil is pretty standard these days.

That got ol' Axl thinking, how in the hell am I going to pay for this, on top of all the educational debt I already have, which is a lot. Well friends, without further ado, I present:


"Axl's Foolproof Yule-Tide Debt-Free Seven-Percent Solution to Paying for Med School".

1) Male Stripper-
Now I know this might not seem like the most glamorous side job guys, but actually, it is! After a long hard day of studying med school stuff, you get to shake your ass at night, and people stick ones and sometimes even fives in your crack! Which you can use to buy crack! Or your med school text books. It's also a great way to meet quality ladies. And by quality ladies, I am of course referring to the employees of the Quality Ladies Escort Service.

2) Fireman-
Firemen are the $hit, and everybody knows it! They fight fires, save damsels in distress, and are always the life of the party, so much so that ladies hire them to come to bachelorette parties and strip! Actually, its kind of like being a male stripper, but, you know, one who fights fires too... Seems odd, you wouldn't necessarily expect those skills to go hand in hand...but somehow they pull it off! Badass.

(Now that I think about it though, there is certainly a lot of pole-work required in both arenas...and hose work.)

3) Romance Novel Cover Model-
Since the beginning of time, women the world over have enjoyed a good bodice-ripper every now and again. They dream of kissing guys on the mouth, dating guys "exclusively", and even being allowed to stay the whole night! Ahh me, women with their crazy ideas! Anyways, such women read these books, and they need hot guys to pose on the covers. And who do you want them to be imagining on those long, cold, lonely nights? You of course! Be someone's fantasy, their golden god! This is a great way to pocket some change and keep almost 10% of your clothes on (you know, if you don't want to be a fireman).

Well, that's it! Three great ways to pay your way through med school. I've already gotten a head start on all three as you can see. Look inside yourself, trust your instincts: do you have the physique and flair to be a stripper? Or perhaps you take great pleasure in intense heat and taking your clothes off - firefighting might be for you. For the hopeless romantic/narcissist crew, get yourself on a romance novel cover.

And when you graduate med school debt-free, I dont need your thanks. Keep your cash rewards, save your first-born for a rainy day. Just drop me a note, say hi, let Axl know how you're doin', I don't know, maybe dedicate a book to me or something. I'll sleep better just knowing that I helped. Good hunting, gentle reader.



p.s. very special thanks to Sixxstringer for the sick photoshopping :)

Enabling, or the Axl Rose Free Prescription Plan

It has come to my attention that there might be some confusion as to the central thesis of this blog. While it is entitled "Stealing Med School", the url is simply "stealingmed", perhaps suggesting that this blog will instruct you in methods of illegally acquiring medications.

While this blog is actually supposed to be about getting in to medical school, and loving metal, I'm not one to disappoint those readers who got here through some dodgy google search. Without further ado, I present here my definitive guide to stealing medication!

1) Go to the ER and tell them you have "stomach pain". That one works 90% of the time, every time. Stomach pain is apparently impossible to diagnose, so they'll just give you an unlimited scrip for morphene...hehe, dumb doctors. None the wiser.

2) Go to a store, and discretely fill your pants with pills from the shelf. When the checkout person asks you if there is a bunch of meds in your pants, you say, "No, I just reeeally like your blouse/pant-suit/pinafore!" He/she will be so overwhelmed by your charm, they'll probably pass out and you can stroll right out the door.

3) Break in to a pill factory through the air duct (which is apparently is never secured/suspected/covered by a security camera even though that's how they get in in every movie ever). Fill your pants with pills. Head for the exit. When the night-watchman asks you if you're supposed to be down here, answer "I'm...uh...your pinafore is very fetching...?" then punch him in the face. He will pass out instantly (I can't say I've tested this myself, but every TV show ever can't be wrong). His partner will aim his gun at you and shoot 15-18 times while you run out the exit, but all the bullets will miss.

There you have it! Enjoy your Axl Rose Free Prescription Plan.






disclaimer: It has come to my attention that I could probably get the pants sued off me for soliciting theft. I like my pants: please don't steal, and have a nice day.